April 28, 2015
Nicki Minaj performed at some kid's Bar Mitzvah, because ESPN themes are so 2012. The whole thing was basically a social experiment of what happens when you put a sex symbol in a room with 13 year old boys. Every betch remembers bar/bat mitzvah season: padded bras, kitten heels, and blue eyeshadow. It was the beginning of true drama with our middle school boyfriends and first reunions with our camp friends. Ahhh the chocolate fountain filled memories.
Anyway, Nicki's bar mitzvah boy, Matt, is the ultimate bro in training. He's 13 years old, 6 feet tall, and his dad is super rich, the definition of #blessed. The kid is going to be the legend of his 8th grade class because he let his pre-pubescent friends take a break from watching Ariana Grande videos to touch Nicki's ass.
The best part of this whole bizarre situation was when Nicki asked Matt how old he was. Like a champ he responded "old enough." Well played Matt, we'll see you at the Hillel formal in 9 years.