July 21, 2014
In the early 00’s, the show that gave us betches both immense joy and the loss of a few IQ points, “The Simple Life”, introduced us to Nicole Richie. Back in the day she was the chubby BFF to hotel heiress Paris Hilton, who tagged along and did stupid shit. Not to be confused with the OG try-hard Kim Kardashian, who was busy organizing Paris’ closet and kissing her feet. Nicole Richie is the adopted daughter of Lionel Richie, who is an old dude who sings songs that your parents probably banged to in the 70’s. Gross, but true. She was so betchy and important that a famous person wanted her at the age of three, which is pretty impressive.
You’re probably wondering why she’s the betch of the week. Well first of all, don’t question my authority, k? And secondly, because she’s like the queen of the comeback. Much like Drake, she started from the bottom, as a sidekick to DJ-Kill-Me-Please-Paris Hilton, and now she’s here. There was a hot second where people thought she had an eating disorder, but then Britney shaved her head and no one gave a fuck about that anymore.
She’s now married to Joel Madden, who you probably know because they played the song “Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous” at your eighth grade winter dance. She’s got two kids that have some interesting names, but at least they aren’t named after a fucking fruit. I’m looking at you Gwyneth.
Since the “Simple Life” she’s been doing shit dying her hair purple, starting a fashion line, and basically not giving a shit about anyone. Within that time period of not giving a shit, she’s become like way more famous than Paris Hilton. She’s gotten her own TV show on VH1 called “Candidly Nicole” and if you have eyes/a life, you can see it’s been advertised fucking everywhere. She’s probably going to make more money in like 3 episodes than all of Paris’ bullshit perfumes have made in a year. And none for Paris Hilton, bye.
More importantly, Nicole Richie has a trait that betches can actually enjoy in a person, which is a rarity. Nicole Richie is genuinely funny. Not like a try-too-hard, ABC Family Original Movie funny. She actually has a really betchy sense of humor, which is refreshing and fucking awesome. I mean it's prob because she used to be fat but who really gives a shit. Laughing doesn’t naturally come to my resting bitch face, but I literally LOLed at some of the shit she says in interviews. She masters the art of talking shit on television about other celebs (Lindsey Lohan mostly) and she seems like the right betch to get drunk brunch with.
Not trying to advertise for her show, but it’s actually hilarious, especially after smoking a joint…just saying. She struggles with the stupid shit in life like parallel parking and messing with her Uber driver (which every drunken betch has done) so check it the fuck out.
“I would never call you a name, but you’re a fucking bitch.” – “Candidly Nicole”, 2014
“People who type with their iPhones on loud are barbarians and probably killers.” – Nicole Richie, twitter, 2013
*While getting arrested on the Simple Life* “Loves it.”