Well it looks like it’s officially the future, because Nike just released the first ever self-tying shoes. Yep, these are motorized, battery-operated sneakers that lace up perfectly with the press of a button and will save you from ever having to tie your shoes again. Based on my expert calculation, this means we’ll all be living on the moon next year and I finally get to live my dream of standing front row at a Protozoa concert. What a time to be alive!
Nike CEO Mike Parker unveiled the new space-age footwear at a recent New York tech event, two years after the company started hyping up the product to the public. The model is named the HyperAdapt 1.0, because MegaBlastSynergyBoots 5000 was already taken. How their self-tying feature works is very simple: you step into the shoe, press a (+) button and then the laces tighten to fit your foot. The shoe’s battery takes about three hours to fully charge, and based on average use you’ll probably only end up charging them once every couple weeks.
"But what happens if the battery dies while I’m wearing them?" was an actual question posed. The answer: you just pull the shoe off. Because it’s a fucking shoe.
The Nike HyperAdapt 1.0 will be on the market and available for purchase by the upcoming holiday season, and pricing has yet to be announced. In the meantime, I guess it’s time to dig out those light-up Sketchers from your closet because those are valuable cultural artifacts now that need to be preserved.