62. Pros

By The Betches

The relationship between a betch and a bro is quite complicated. We’re not talking about the actual romantic relationship. No, the complex part lies in how betches feel about the “Bro." It should be said that as a betch matures, she begins to realize the waning appeal of the smack-a-beer-on-his-forehead frat-trastic bro.

Now betches, we don’t want to confuse you and feed you contradictory statements (or anything for that matter). Betches love douchebags, the SABs, and the games they play. But when we grow older, we start to look for a guy who's a more mature version of the bro species, a guy who has “being nice” in his repertoire of capabilities but isn’t a #33 nice guy. A non-douchey douche. With that we introduce you to the Pro.


Blue Old SchoolAnd we all know what happend to Blue...


The Pro is the bro morphed into an older, more determined bro. His best qualities were always people skills, creativity, and networking, but he no longer uses them to schmooze a new drug dealer or design an environmentally-friendly homemade bong. Now they are granted positions in the business and frat-banking world by friends of their dads and/or delusional people in HR who actually believe that these bros don't do drugs. Ha fucking ha.

Side note: Betches know little about business and the professional world (aside from the meaning and benefits of quid pro quo) and we're def not trying to get involved in that shit, but we're definitely intrigued by what these "Pros" do all day. They think their job is the hardest fucking thing in the world but from what we understand, it basically involves making spreadsheets (i.e. lists), getting paid to attend happy hours, wearing pretentious Hermes ties, and pretending to know big words like "derivatives" aka living up their managing director's ass. Really fucking hard.


Lehman BrosLehman Bros are no longer Pros


Don’t get us wrong, the Pro still parties and remains hot. Like we said, betches love Pros. There is nothing we'd rather hear on a #14 date than a Pro complaining about career bullshit, like how he has to wake up at 5 am or how amazing he is for securing a coveted slot on his boss' lunch schedule. As he says this, a betch’s mind wanders directly to sex $$$.

Pros are ideal for twenty-something betches because they still maintain their aura of being a dickhead but without actually being one. Just as how in college we were never really friends with bros, and sometimes fucked them, the same applies to post-grad life in major cities with Pros. They get tables at clubs, are VIPs (in more ways than one), and can skillfully cut a line.

From now on betches, when allowing guys to flirt with you, look out for the Pros. They’re the ones who are hot like Roberto from Bachelorette and are motivated like Bradley Cooper in Limitless after he takes his Adderall NZT. Don’t let yourself be 25 still dating a bro. Remember, guys are five years behind betches in maturity, so a 22-year-old girl dating a 22-year-old bro would be considered borderline pedophilia. Pros over bros, betches. Just ask Britney Spears how much fun it is to get knocked up by an unemployed, backup-dancing fucking loser bro.



<< #61 Yoga

#63 America >>




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login