September 6, 2011
There are very few things that control college life more than the Greek system. While it clearly has its ups and downs, it cannot be denied that betches fucking love fraternities. Aside from training bros to be the SABs we know and love, frats are great because we automatically associate them with two of our favorite things, boys and alcohol. Say no more.
It's important to note that guys who are/were in frats are distinctly different from guys who aren't/weren't in frats. This is because pledging is difficult and
builds character teaches you not to be a pussy. Character building activities include spanking each other with a paddle, drinking beer and holding in their urine, and being faced with the reality that they may have to defile an animal during pledging. Honestly, just the air of being in a frat says something about their social habits. Clearly, in a good way.
Let's talk about mixers, or themed parties designed for you to do your betchiest activities aka pregame, dress like a slut, and hang with your besties and guy friends. It's like you get the halloween rule of being allowed to dress like a skank but every fucking night.
How Sunday morning regret is it when you and your bestie wake up and text each other to find that you’re both down the hall from each other, still with bros from last night, even though you both swore to each other you weren't going to #8 fuck them? Grool, we can walk of shame back to our dorm together! How cute.
While big frat parties are usually smelly, gross, and infested with ugly freshmen, it's fun to push these girls out of the way while making your way to drink the top shelf in your guy friend's room.
Plus it's sometimes fun to chill with bros during the day, watching them do "bro" things like play beer pong while you pretend to comment on whatever sports game is on and secretly race yourself to drunken oblivion before someone you hooked up with last week wanders downstairs and starts hitting on you.
A true betch is something of a frat star, but try not to take this too far. Bros talk. A lot. The frat star superslut always ends up either a) wifed up and becomes the UGH, or b) a chlamydia-carrying whore.
Then they have formals, which we love because like we've said, they're basically low-pressure dates where you're encouraged to get completely obliterated.
So girls, make sure that you enjoy fraternities while keeping in mind all of the gay things these guys had to do during pledging. Make sure you don't date a bro while he's pledging, but instead while he has pledges so that they can be not only his bitch, but yours as well.
There are few things more quintessentially college to a betch than waking up in a disgusting frat house, maneuvering your way around beer cans and bongs, and 'borrowing' a never to be returned frat sweatshirt as a memento of your hottest and whoriest years.