September 6, 2011
Naturally tennis is the betchiest sport out there.
Side Note: Before anyone gets on our case about horseback riding, golf or squash being betchier, just shut the fuck up now. We don't agree. And yes, we have done all of the above. Don't even try it.
Fine, the Williams sisters. They could maybe be as betchy as the Olsens if Serena didn't have the man look going on.
Betches learned to play tennis at "the club," it's a popular family sport and you bet your ass a betch played tennis in middle and high school. Lots of betches even went to tennis camp, and while we were those people and liked it, in hindsight it seems pointless considering we haven't played that much since like, last summer... Maybe the one before? Who knows, those stupid skirts make shitty tan lines.
Also, it's the only sport that your standard betch would play on a seriously competitive level, if you play another you might consider a tattoo declaring "I go the other way" across your chest. If you're a female athlete trying to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, you better fucking play tennis.
Since tennis is a sport for tall and #5 skinny betches, the betchiest players are the ones who get paid millions to wear slutty designer tennis apparel. Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova are what you get when someone who's almost pretty enough to be a model discovers they sufficient athletic ability to land promotional contracts.
But even if you're not on the tournament circuit per se, any betch who's played competitively knows that the reason tennis is betchy is because it's a mind game. It makes you individually competitive with other girls, not only within every point and game but over time the subject of "who's better" is one that does not tire quickly.
Oh, and a true betch plays singles. It's all about #1, none of this doubles bullshit. You don't need some dumb bitch stealing your killer forehands with her stupid inconsistent volleys. We'll go mixed doubles though.
But really, even if you're not familiar with the game it should be obvious. What's not betchy about a sport that encourages #42 dressing like a slut in tight outfits, lets you serve people without a law degree, and even if you never win a point your score is "love." Talk about delusional dating.
Finally, tri-state area betches know the excitement of the US Open at the end of the summer which is like, the only sporting event we would consider watching female athletes participate in. The opening rounds are coming up, nothing's betchier than forgoing work and instead "spending a few days at the Open" with a pro. We're talking about your boyfriend, not a tennis coach.