November 8, 2011
When was the last time you thought, "Oh maybe I'll read a book that doesn't involve sex, drugs, or Lauren Conrad's autobiography." We bet it was back in sixth grade when your mom told you that if you didn't read at least one book this year, you'd end up working at McDonalds and wouldn't be allowed to watch So Little Time. If this site existed back then, you could've responded with "Sorry mom, Anne of Green Gables is for fucking nice girls, I'm a betch." Betches don't read books, we read magazines. With a few exceptions like Chelsea Handler, books are for geeks, the President, and Matilda. Oh, and they're great for trading in for cash at the end of each semester for weed money.
But since it's a little mind-numbing to only read your phone and this blog all the time, sometimes it's nice to hold something with actual pages. That's why they invented magazines. (And the book we're writing, casually.)
No, we're not talking about National Geographic or fucking Time. The last time we were interested in reading about the demise of the Democratic party it involved cum stains and a blue dress. We're talking about magazines that feature articles about nail polish and how fat Jessica Simpson is getting. Some say that these magazines provide unrealistic standards of beauty for America's female youth. We say, thank God. Time to stop coddling those fatties, Obama.
Betches love magazines because they're either about you or about celebrities. If you're reading Cosmo, it's about you, but if you're reading US Weekly it's about someone almost as cool.
Magazines are great in helping you achieve those Zen moments, like when you're on the elliptical or getting a pedicure, and you've decided to put your phone away. You can become enthralled by interesting phenomena like how Miley Cyrus is just like you because she once went in a taxi, or how the #92 love triangle between Brangelina and Jennifer Aniston is going...still.
Why would you read about the deficit or the healthcare crisis when you could be getting People Mag's on-site therapist's professional explanation of why Reese's body language showed that she was totally over Jake. It's so obvious how that one picture of her walking two feet behind him clearly forecasted their impending demise.
As famous author Pro Mark Twain once said, "Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." We're sure he meant magazines, but Vogue hadn't come out yet. Be fashionable, be trendy, be worldly. Read magazines.