March 27, 2012
Whether you live in a place like Miami where the weather is always nice, or New York where it's finally just starting to get warm, it's inevitable that this time of year brings out that special feeling on par with children waiting for the arrival of Santa Claus. Only instead of anxiously awaiting useless toys and fat men, warm weather brings along a different special feeling: the urge to get fucking drunk. We're not talking about the standard night time blackout. No, now is all about the afternoon aperitif. Betches, it's time to day drink.
There are many people who say that they prefer day drinking to night drinking. These people know what they're talking about. However, this doesn't necessarily mean they are betches, because day drinking should be an additional black out, not a substitute for a nighttime shit show. Real betches will prefer to drink during the day instead of being sober during the day, and will always continue to go hard at night after a small meal and a long fucking nap.
The reason Spring Break is so much fun is not because of the nights out, that's amateur shit. It's about the daytime. Being drunk morning to morning for a whole week straight doesn't sound like heaven, it is heaven. But why restrict such great pleasure to such a small amount of time in your life? This is why we day drink.
It's so much more chill than pounding shots in a really tight skirt and 5-inch heels. You get to drink in an environment with the people you actually like, because everyone knows you're not obligated to hang out with the Dud or annoying bitches who TTH during the day. Like you think it's inappropriate that I'm drinking vodka at 11 am? Well I think your face is inappropriate for 11 am.
The best part about day drinking is that you don't have to race the clock to go out, you have all fucking day. And seeing as it's daytime and no one is counting their drinks, you get like SO wasted without even realizing. Surprise!
You know those annoying people who get drunk and inevitably make huge scenes? We're going to let you in on a little secret: the reason they're irritating is because you're not involved on the fun. Making a scene, being loud, and flagrantly harassing people who are doing sober boring things like walking their dogs or crossing the street is the real deal. Plus, it's very rare that you get to take pictures in your daytime attire unless you're raging at Spring Fling, Mifflin, Little 5, Mayfest, Floatopia (etc), events like Ultra ...or are a loser. Enter day drinking. It gives you the opportunity to showcase your mid-day outfits to your closest 1300 friends on Facebook, and you will now have pictures of you and your besties "not being drunk for once" to show your mom.
Generally, when it comes to day drinking expect the unexpected. Everyone's been in that situation where you're at drunk brunch with your besties and three hours later you're inviting everyone and their ex-BBM friends for a party at your apartment. Seriously though, aside from #12 tailgates which only last one season, drunk brunch is the ultimate in day drinking affairs. Not only do you get to order the meals you learned all about in french class in 10th grade (did somebody say croque-monsieur!?), but you're also given a free pass to get shamelessly shwasted in this classy environment and harass the waiters! In our world, bottomless drinks are to betches as all you can eat sushi is to Rosie O'Donnell.
So betches, just because SB is over don't wallow in self pity and your diminishing tans. Get off your computer and go get fucked up. And honestly, what better chaser is there than iced coffee? Iced coffee and Xanax. Now that's what we call an afternoon delight.