The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 2

By The Betches

Last night's Bachelor was actually as exciting and dramatic as Chris Harrison promised. I swear this season's bros are more emotional than I've ever seen. Like these fights with Ben might as well be cut with footage of Courtney and Tierra and I wouldn't know the difference, especially since most of these bros voices are easily as high pitched as past female contestants. When they say they're there for the right reasons I just want to ask if they're referring to the gay orgies that I have to assume are happening in the mansion every night.

So Des took Brooks and Bryden on her first 1-on-1 dates, which leads me to believe she's going in alphabetical order. Also, how do they decide which Zach gets stuck with the last initial? Coin toss?

Date with Brooks

Brooks looks like he'd be a gondola rower in Venice and was a little too okay with Desiree's 'prank' that he was picking out a dress to try on himself.

Which leads us to our next section: Deep thoughts by Desiree Hartstock

Des: "I really feel like newlyweds!" You JUST met him. You've also never been a newlywed so how would you know what it feels like? Thought so.

Des: "I think the Hollywood sign represents like, everyone wanting to come here."

Des: "I can tell, when Brooks falls in love he falls in love."

How in the world does a city let The Bachelor close off an entire bridge for a date? Also if Des didn't give Brooks the rose, would that concert have been cancelled? Love song for no one?

Group Date

I can't decide if by appearing on The Bachelor Soulja Boi made himself more or less relevant. Leaning towards more...but we definitely know that he's now lost any street cred he may or may not have once had. 

Is Des trying to see which of the guys can best 'superman that hoe'?

Whoever wrote this rap deserves the anti-Grammy.

I just realized that James and Mikey are two different people/meatheads.

So Zak W. found a touching journal of a girl who didn't care at all that her dad got her this journal enough to not only not use it but actually sell it to a bookstore.

When a guy opens up, you know he's just really fucking drunk. On that note, Brandon's life is like, Jack Porter/Tara Thornton level shitty.

"I didn't mean to like with her" - Brandon

Date with Bryden

All Des does is talk about how poor she is. Stop trying to make rags to riches happen. It's not happening.

Oh they're going to Ojai!? Maybe they'll bump into Kim Richards.

"We're like little kids when we're together in that we don't speak past a 5th grade vocabulary level."

Omg the picture of the teddy bear near his mutilated face is like not a dinner topic. Also does this guy just carry real photographs in his pocket? PHOTO STREAM BRY.

Des: "I wanted to give Bryden a rose to show him that I appreciate him opening up and showing pictures of himself where he looks fugly"

The "just kiss me already" scene with Bryden is going to play really well on the Men Tell-All. -5 Bryden.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

Oh how the sob stories make me cry...of laughter. Bryden fought and killed for this country. Brandon's dad abandoned him and his mom was a drug addict. Michael can't eat snacks high in sugar.

Liam Hemsworth Jr. is gone and I'm upset about it.




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