The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3

By The Betches

Last night's Bachelorette was full of surprises, like I was practically going through withdrawal from the standard structure. Where was the first 1-on-1 date? Instead they give us like two half assed group dates, one of which was paid for by Disney, and a "chill relaxing pool party" in place of the usual cocktail party where all the drama usually happens. Chris Harrison, is nothing sacred? If I wanted to watch people being chill and relaxed near a pool I'd watch The Hills or like, take a selfie.

Dodgeball Group Date

I've seen better dodgeball playing in my second grade gym class. This was truly an epic match of red vs. blue, as in, epically bad. If you can dodge Desiree's awful jokes and cheesy humor you can dodge a ball.

I hope Michael G. didn't forget to bring diabetic his insulin shot for his diabetes because this dodgeball looks mad intense.

Drew's doctor probably doesn't want him to engage in any activities where balls fly at his nose.

"I just broke my finger playing dodgeball. My body felt really light. There was oxygen in my nose and stuff was all hooked up to me. It was one of the most painful feelings I've ever felt in my life."  - Chill out Brooks you sprained you finger in gym class you didn't just get back from Iraq, like Bryden. I love that he had to be in the hospital dressed like Thing 1.

Brad how much could your past have really haunted you? You're an accountant. Oh never mind, he wants to explain his domestic violence charge. Des is shadily so thankful that he did so with a group of guys in the next room.

Chris accepts that rose with as much enthusiasm as being presented with a surprise midterm. Chris is about as smiley as Stannis Baratheon. 

The Brian Incident

I barely knew who Brian was so how can I be expected to give a shit about his maybe-girlfriend? Save some plotlines for later Augustus.

Brian looks a lot like Nick from New Girl.

Stephanie, it sounds like you were ON. A. BREAK. This is like the Maury Povich show. Brian and Steph were even wearing matching hot pink outfits.

The most awkward thing to realize about Stephanie's arrival is that she definitely got her hair and makeup done before confronting Brian on national television. 

Just wondering, is there something in the guys' contracts that says they have to be there for the right reasons? The Bill of Right Reasons perhaps?

Date with Casey

So there's like no chemistry with Casey. Friend zone. Whatever, at least he's chilled with the hashtags. 

Random Lone Ranger Group Date

I totally zoned this out but really, a Lone Ranger plug, who would've thought.

"You give such great feedback, everyone in the house is head over heels for your feedback" - James

Juan Pablo was like, what the fuck do I want with this plastic badge from Lone Ranger? Como se dice, 'where the fuck is my rose'?

"My first kiss with Juan Pablo was very sensual." Aka he's not American so he used a lot of tongue.

Pool Party and Cocktail Party

This party is probably just an excuse to see which of these guy's tattoos won't be too repulsive when they're old as fuck and have saggy skin.

Brandon: "I am falling in love with you and it's like, we barely talk." First alert to stage 5 clinger. He then GOES ON to say this: "there's not much left to say besides how perfect and meant to be we really are." That combined with the awkward kiss is like a fucking death sentence.

Everyone still hates Ben and I still have no real idea why except that Des maybe likes him. Leave Ben alone! Regardless, I don't get how all the single parents on this show aren't disqualified for being irresponsible anyway.

Quotes of the night: 

"This isn't my grandfather's dodgeball."

"You can't unscramble that egg" - Michael G, diabetic poet and freak

"It's called the Bachelorette for a reason. It's not called let's make friends."

"Everyone always leaves" - Brandon and Peyton Sawyer




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login