March 11, 2014
ICYMI: This Princeton alum wrote a letter to the Daily Princetonian like a year ago explaining why if you’re 22 you’re basically an old maid and you need to quit your job and hurry the fuck up and get wifed up, so unless you went to Princeton last year you probs did miss it. But it’s fine because a year later she wrote another letter basically re-stating everything in the first letter, and it’s either just now going viral or Yahoo! News is really, really, late to the party. Either way we read it and obv have to share our thoughts. Here are some highlights from the letter:
“I understand that there are some truths that we simply don't want to confront, but tapping on the dark spot of the X-ray is often the necessary reality check that propels us to fully understand the scope of a serious situation. And this is a very serious situation.”
A plane straight-up disappeared in Malaysia and the Ukraine is literally burning but the real situation on our hands here is that I might not have grandkids because my daughter just won’t stop trying to get "a job."
“By the time you graduate from college, half of your childbearing years are behind you, and the years from 22 to 35 will pass much more quickly than you can imagine.”
Yeah, because I really wanted to star in my own episode of Teen Mom. If in 4 years of college I managed to black out every other night, maintain a 3.7, and design a line of faux-fur panties for my sorority’s charity project, just imagine what I can do with three times as many years and a steady income. Plus I’m sure by the time I hit 35 I’ll be able to clone myself so like, childbearing not necessary.
“My response to the "But I haven't seen the world yet" or "Aren't your 20s all about having fun?" conjecture is that it's all fun and games until somebody winds up a spinster with cats.”
Okay, obv don’t wait until you’re 40 to think about starting to have kids, but why are the only two options here “get married and pop kids out like the Duggars before you can actually have any fun” or “become a crazy cat lady”? I don’t even like cats, and no amount of loneliness and Ben & Jerry’s is going to change that. Besides, whatever happened to “friends don’t let friends become spinsters with cats”?
Also, let’s be real, have we forgotten that over half of all marriages end in divorce anyway or are we just “conveniently leaving out” the potential to marry hot, rich silver fox divorcées later on in life? I mean, as long as George Clooney’s still single I’m not signing up to adopt any pets.
“If seeing the world is at the top of your list, OK, but the world will always be there. Your fertility is relatively fleeting.”
K, but the polar ice caps are melting and beaches are eroding, and if I want to travel to see these things I’m going to do it when I’m in good shape and before my liver corrodes and before I have to do shit like "find a family-friendly hotel" and “take off of work.” Maybe your grandkids will push your wheelchair around the Grand Canyon, but I’d rather day drink on the beaches at Normandy.
“And if you want to have a baby within a marriage, you've got to find a husband and stop wasting your time dating men that you know aren't good for you: the bad boys, the crazy guys, and the married men. He's not leaving his wife for you. You know that, right?”
FINALLY, something that doesn't sound like it was written by a wealthy 1600's landowner with a daughter to marry off. In lay-betch’s terms: If you were waiting for a time to stop being delusional and/or a homewrecker, that time was like three years ago.
“In your early 20s, you are at the peak of your attractiveness and your fertility. Use this time to your very best advantage if you know that you want marriage and children. Don't wait and don't leave your personal happiness to chance. You have to plan for it with the same dedication and commitment that you pursue your professional success, and start sooner than you think.”
I meannnnnnn this isn’t bad advice but much like your new diet (ha who are we kidding), the key is moderation. Like just because 30 is “the new 20” doesn’t mean you should keep having blackout one-night stands if you want commitment soon, but nobody wants to see you whip out the wedding binder and “What Would Your Baby Look Like” photo generator on the second date, either.
“You're not getting any younger! Ask your maiden aunt. She can tell you, right after she feeds her cats.”
Because it wasn’t clear enough the first time: choosing your career over kids actually means choosing cats, and not, you know….your career. Believe me, I have a crazy aunt in the family (we all do), but the only thing she has too many of is gin & tonics, so like it could be worse. Not to mention this article from Forbes (ever heard of it?) says 11 out of 12 female CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies have kids so…what was that you were saying about cats, again?
“If you think you may have found The One, proceed judiciously. Enjoy the slow dance that leads to intimacy. A great romantic relationship gradually moves toward the bedroom. It definitely doesn't start there. If it does, there is nowhere for it to go.”
Another tiny beacon of reason: if your “first date” ended in a walk of shame, it wasn’t a date and he’s probably not The One.
“Don't buy the current feminist rhetoric about how hookups are empowering for women. They're not. Casual sex is damaging to a woman's head, heart, soul, and body.”
While I’ll give you that casual sex isn’t necessarily a good look after a certain point past graduation, not having sex when you want is how you end up divorcing your husband and moving to Cougartown in an attempt to live out your glory days a few decades too late, so why not do whatever the fuck you want as long as it’s not hurting anybody. Btw the 1950’s just called; they want their chastity belt back.
“If you do choose marriage and motherhood, be prepared for the indignation of the feminists, the liberals, and the progressives who think that it's incongruous for an educated woman to aspire to these traditional roles.”
If your friends are the types of radical feminists who actually give that many shits about what you do or don’t grow inside your uterus, maybe it’s time to get new friends, just sayin?
“I understand that some of my opinions may seem old-fashioned. But that's because they have stood the test of time.”
Yeah but you know what also stood the test of time? Slavery, and mom jeans, so like…maybe not the best support?
In conclusion, don’t let your grandma, this lady, or anybody else tell you that at the ripe old age of 23 your only hope is to start poking holes in condoms. Remember the average life expectancy is 81 for us betches and most guys don’t stop being idiots until they turn 30 anyway, which is plenty of time for you to become a boss ass betch.