Your Friend Group Explained By The Cast Of Vanderpump Rules Betches

Your Friend Group Explained By The Cast Of 'Vanderpump Rules'

Everyone has their set friend group. Ya know, the 10-ish people you actually hang with rather than just liking their shit on Instagram. On the surface, all cliques seem pretty fucking different. I mean, the sexually active band geeks are nothing like the cool Asians, right? Wrong. Truth is, the same people complete every group. That’s why they call it a social circle. Get it? I fucking live for metaphors. Anyway, to help you figure out who’s who in your crew, here’s the friend group breakdown in terms of the cast of Vanderpump Rules. Here’s hoping your friends are less fucked up than them.

The UGH: Stassi Schroeder

On vintage seasons of Vanderpump Rules, Stassi was fucking nuts. She threatened to gouge people’s eyeballs out, hooked up with most of the Survers and threw drinks on Tom Schwartz because it was her fucking birthday. But nowadays, she’s chilled TF out. Instead of being the queen bee, she just apologizes and sucks up to people to try and get her friends back. Even though The UGH is lame AF now, you’re still holding out that they’ll go back to their old ways eventually.

Stassi Schroeder

The DD: Brittany Cartwright

Brittany is a classic DD because she's dating the shadiest person on the show, the one who's known for fucking everything that moves, and she still lets him basically get away with murder. Jax literally told Lala he wanted to fuck her AND THEN LIED ABOUT IT and also called being with Brittany "a prison" and she's still with him for some reason. Girl, I know he paid for your boobs and everything, but WAKE THE FUCK UP. Textbook DD behavior.

Brittany Cartwright

The Health Freak: Scheana Shay

Scheana gets the honor of being one of my least favorites of the group. If you follow her on social media, you’ve definitely noticed she’s lost a shit ton of weight and posts really annoying pics showing off her new body and selfies at the gym and her doing other douchey skinny people shit. Unfortunately, we all have this friend. They order a salad and water at Mexican instead of queso and margs like the rest of us and give you unsolicited fitness advice when you KNOW they just got lipo.

Scheana Shay

The SAB: Jax Taylor

Fucking obvi. Jax is the shadiest dude on this planet. Well, maybe second. But he’s giving Trump a run for his money. For one, he (Jax) is a borderline sociopath who lies about everything. He also tries to put his dick in everything with a hole in it. With this friend, you find yourself wondering why the fuck you associate with them, but you kind of commend them for being such an asshole and really not giving a fuck. It’s pretty impressive, tbh.

Jax Taylor

The BSCB: Kristen Doute

Again, this one should surprise no one. She fucks her BFFs’ boyfriends. She tells her boss to suck a dick. She flies strangers to L.A. because they claim to have had sex with Tom while he was with Ariana. And God knows I’m forgetting shit that my brain has blocked out to protect me. Like Kristen, the BSCB knows no bounds and just fucking goes for it. They get shit faced whenever you hang out and are prone to fighting. Not arguments. Like, Jersey Shore shit. Despite their insanity, you always forgive them because they’re fun AF and they make you feel like you’ve got it together.

Kristen Doute

The Fuckboy: James Kennedy

Vanderpump Rules is full of some pretty shitty people, but no one is as horrible as James. He treats women like absolute garbage. He thinks he’s fucking Calvin Harris because Lisa lets him DJ at her restaurants sometimes. And he can’t handle his alcohol. But despite all of this, he gets laid all the goddamn time. It makes no sense. I don’t really need to explain further. We all know at least one, and it’s about all you can do to tolerate them. They’re usually just around because they’re friends with The SAB or fucking The BSCB.

James Kennedy

The WGG: Ariana Madix

Ariana tries so fucking hard to be the cool girl. She "doesn’t like drama". She’s laid-back. She’s a tomboy. I’m calling bullshit. Ariana acts like she’s better than her castmates friends, but she’s a hot bartender getting famous on Bravo just like the rest of them, so… She’s the friend that says shit like “Girls never really like me for some reason.” That reason is usually because it’s annoying AF when girls act like they’re too cool to hang with other girls. We see right through that shit.

Ariana Madix

The Nice Guy: Tom Schwartz

Everyone loves Schwartz. But would you ever actually fuck him? No way. Tom Schwartz is so damn adorable, but he’s kind of an idiot. He doesn’t really have a job and has literally zero ambition, but he doesn’t treat women like shit and seems like a decent person, which is more than I can say for the rest of these assholes. The Nice Guy gives you hope that one day you’ll find a guy that treats you well, but you’re just not ready for that level of pitiful yet. Save that shit for your 30s.

Tom Schwartz

The TGF: Lala Kent

You can tell Lala is The TGF from her name alone. She always dresses really slutty and flirts with every guy in sight. And when I say flirt, I don’t mean bats her eyelashes and smiles slyly and other shit your grandma taught you. I mean, she tells them she wants to fuck them. No nonsense. Personally, I love The TGF. They own their shit and know they’re hot AF and take advantage of it. Feminism, ya know? If I’m not gonna hate a guy for getting laid all the time, I’m not gonna hate a sexually hyperactive girl. You do you, Lalas of the world.

Lala Kent

The BBB: Tom Sandoval

Tom Sandoval is the perfect BBB because there’s not really anything terribly wrong with him, but he’s not great at anything either. He’s not as much of dick as Jax or James, but he’s not as nice as Schwartz. You’d hook up with him before you would with Schwartz, but you’d probably go for James or Jax first. You get the picture. He’s the guy that you give a shot, but it’s never really going to go anywhere because he gets a solid “meh” at every point on your dating check list. Sorry, Tom.

Tom Sandoval

The Dud: Katie Maloney

The Dud just brings everybody down, a lot like Katie. She always acts like someone murdered her puppy and she holds onto grudges and compared to her friends, she seems boring AF. It makes sense she’d marry The Nice Guy. I honestly don’t know the point of hanging out with The Dud. I usually just forget they’re there.

Katie Maloney

The HBIC: Lisa Vanderpump

You didn’t think I’d talk about this wack-ass crew without mentioning Lisa, did you? Mrs. Vanderpump runs this shit. All the guys wanna fuck her (even if she is like, 60) and you know for damn sure all these girls want to be her. She has a good time, but she’s still classy AF. She’s pretty much perfect. All hail The HBIC.

Lisa Vanderpump




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