An Honest Review Of 'Zenon: Girl Of The 21st Century' | Betches

We Just Realized How Weird 'Zenon: Girl Of The 21st Century' Is

By Jane Duh

Now, if you don’t know the story of Zenon, then I don’t know what the fuck to tell you, but if you need a refresher, here is a brief summary. The year is 2049 and Zenon Car and her best friend Nebula Wade (expertly portrayed by a pre-That’s So Raven Raven Symoné) live on a space station that orbits Earth. They wear clothes made out of plastic and say things like “zedis lapedis!” (“omg!”) and “lunarious” (“dope/cool”). Chelsea Clinton is the president (after a very nasty race against Ivanka Trump), holograms teach classes, and Microbe is the hottest band both on and off Earth. All in all, life on the space station is, as they say, pretty lunarious.


The movie starts with Zenon waking up and immediately establishing herself as the coolest/hottest/most major 13-year-old girl currently orbiting Earth. She does cool things like running in the hall, making her own clothes out of trash (???), and sneaking out at 4am to put on a space suit and literally launch herself into space, at which point she is left stuck outside the space station and her partner, George Clooney, has to talk her down while—oh wait I’m sorry, that’s a different movie entirely.

Anyway, Zenon wins a competition to get to dance on stage at the space station with Microbe, and more importantly, Microbe’s frontman, the Australian frosted tipped mega-God that is Protozoa. They also sing a song called “Supernova Girl” that may or may not be the single catchiest tune in the history of made for TV movies. The lyrics (which I’m sure you remember) are “Zoom Zoom Zoom / You Make My Heart Go Boom Boom / My Super Nova Girl…”

Zenon

Amaze.

Zenon is flying high on the Microbe win when Commander Plank, whose main characteristics are that he’s slightly overweight and wears purple, tells everyone that Mr. Windom, owner of the space station, will be arriving shortly to inspect the station. Everyone is immediately like “Zenon don’t do anything fucked up while the Mr. Windom is here!” and Zenon is like “sure, okay” and then immediately goes back to her lifestyle of running through the halls and hanging out in trashcans. It is while hanging out in one of these space trash cans that Zenon sees Mr. Windom’s creeper assistant Lutz acting all “inky” (“weird”) and attempts to alert the appropriate authorities, but instead gets her ass grounded.

“Grounded,” as we all remember, means that Z gets her pink lycra ass sent straight back to Earth, where she will be forced to live with her Aunt Judy, who suffers from a severe anxiety disorder for which she is receiving no treatment. You know, what responsible parents do.

Zenon is sent down to Earth, but not before warning Mr. Windom and Lutz that she’s not sure wtf is up with them, but she is going to find out what it is. It is then that Zenon reveals the new earring Nebula made her (in 2049 you only wear one earring). The earring was, like all of their clothes, supposed to have been made out of space trash but Lutz’s ink-major reaction tips the audience off to the fact that the earring is probably not space trash and is, in fact, space treasure. 

what

On Earth, Zenon is not cool. She is regularly harassed by a horrible girl named Margie who has the audacity to make fun of Zenon’s clothes while herself wearing an assortment of jewel-toned feathered collars for the entirety of the movie. Despite the fact that within 24 hours of living on Earth Zenon starts a fire, nearly drowns, and does not know what money is, a boy named Greg takes a liking to her. Greg takes Zenon to the stable where he works (random?). They do not have horses in space, and Zenon is impressed.

Now that Zenon has fucked her way to the top of the social ladder, she’s like, “Okay fuckers, time for you all to help me get back into space.” Luckily one of Greg’s friends is a 13-year-old hacker skilled enough to be able to hack into an international space station, and he cracks that shit open like Russians with our most recent presidential election. It is revealed that Lutz and Mr. Windom are using a program to fuck up the space station and collect the insurance money, and that program just happens to be dangling from our girl Z’s stellanarious earlobe.

Like I said, space treasure.

wow

The kids then steal Aunt Judy’s Volkswagen Beetle (the car of the future) and drive it to where Protazoa & co. will soon be blasting off to perform their concert in space. Supreme law of the land states that by winning the Protazoa contest, it is now somehow appropriate for five grown sex symbols to allow the 13-year-old girl in a mini skirt to stow away on their spaceship, and Zenon is back in orbit! She is able to save the space station using the “undo program” her hacker friend created which—you guessed it—undoes the program Lutz and Windom created. The space station is saved. Lutz and Windom are arrested and, most importantly, Zenon (and Nebula!!!) get to dance to Supernova Girl alongside the silver haired and silver jacketted Protazoa and all is well...until the Zequel.

As I said, this all is set to take place in 2049, and considering Elon Musk wants to have people on Mars by 2035, I consider this entire film an accurate depiction of life in the future. To recap, here are the exciting things we can expect to see in our old age:

-Video alarm clocks

-Something called a “Stress Helmet” that you can wear when you’re pissed at your kids for launching themselves out into space in the middle of the night.

-Hologram teachers

-Movies are watched on chips called “Movie Chips”

-Plastic clothes?

-Hang out in trash?

Sounds chill-major to me! 




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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