May 8, 2014
Everybody knows that one person who gets up at 5am to go jogging, or like, gets annoyed when you propose doing brunch at 1PM. I really just want to get my day started, can we do it a little earlier? Umm…no. Betches don’t do mornings. I mean, if you never missed an 11 o’clock lecture because you didn’t want to get up “early,” you’re not a real betch.
TBH, for most of our lives this really wasn’t an issue. Scheduling classes anytime before noon in college was just being a try hard and in high school you could just casually show up late with an excuse. My mom wrote me a note! Entering the “real world” for your job/ internship/ days lounging around your dad’s office was a rude awakening. What do you mean be here at 8 AM!? That doesn’t even give me enough time to lie in bed and check insta! Unfortunately for us, the “real world” does not run on betch time and we deal with this by pumping ourselves full of iced coffee and being completely unproductive before noon. Our lives are like really, really hard.
It’s not that we haven’t tried to stop being like this, as evidenced by the alarms we set and their labels.
6 AM – WAKE UP!
6:30 -- Seriously, wake up
7:00 – WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!
7:30 – Whatever, bitch. Now you’re late
Three hours after your first alarm and fifteen hits of the snooze button later and you’re panicking because now you haven’t even done your morning social media scrolling and won’t have time to pick up Sbux on your way. JK, you will anyway.
The thing is, “morning people” are the natural frenemies of a betch, but they somehow always find their way into our lives. Like that girl from your study abroad trip who wanted to go sight seeing at 7AM. But the line for the Vatican is going to be soooo long! Step back, bitch. Give me 10 more minutes. And by 10 minutes, I mean 3 hours. With that said, morning people can continue stressing before 9 and being productive before the sun’s up. We’ll keep our “fuck off” faces that come from being completely non-functional before 11 AM. Remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the rested betch got some fucking beauty sleep.