August 15, 2012
Maybe you read the title of this post and were slightly confused. We're obviously not talking about 'change' meaning the abstract concept of one thing becoming another or progressive politics or like, #45 graduation. We're talking about the ugly metal coins that float in and around the bottom of your bag, haunting your life in a sea of gum wrappers and wrinkled papers from your iced coffee straws. We're talking about the dirty
sexy excuse for money that's commonly used by blue collar workers and geriatrics to make financial transactions.
Like actual humans, betches obviously prefer to pay with plastic or at least actual bills. Cash is light, valuable, and reminds us of doing drugs. Change is jingly, doesn't assist you in buying anything, and carries infectious diseases. A betch obviously has no use for change. Some may call this disgraceful or out of touch. We call it streamlining. I mean, it is lavish to keep shit you don't really need, and we definitely don't need fractions of a dollar, so you could even call us thrifty in like, a unique sense.
For example, when you see a hobo on the street, is he sitting there amongst his pile of garbage begging for twenties? Fuck no, his cardboard sign specifically asked if you can spare a dime. Therefore it's pretty much a statistical fact that any given coin has been touched by between 10 and 20 homeless people. Do you want those street germs soiling your inner wallet fabric? To carry money worth less than what is physically holding it is disrespectful to both your wallet and mankind.
When a betch encounters the poison that is change, occasionally she will keep quarters if she's feeling bold, in case she encounters a parking meter or an ironic donation sign. If it's anything less than quarters she'll either throw out a "keep the change, povos!" or put it in the tip jar... here's 3 pennies for a coffee well iced.
So betches, keep in mind that the guy who said that a penny saved was a penny earned was the same cheap bro who wrote Poor Richard's Almanac. The people who get off on paying with exact change are the same nicegirls watching Wheel of Fortune with their grandparents on Saturday evenings. Remember, it's called a piggy bank for a fucking reason.