You're Finally Gonna Be Able to Text On The Subway

By Jane Duh

The future is now! Those of you who reside in NYC may have already noticed wifi hotspots popping up all along the subway (You can now get it from Graham to Bedford on the L. Just sayin'). This is all apart of Governor Andrew Cuomo's new "Oh My God Brooklyn I'm So Sorry We Have to Shut Down The Canarsie Tunnel Here is Some Free Wifi" initiative, which will provide free, uninterrupted wifi service and charging stations so that you'll stop having to lie to people by saying things like "honestly I like riding the subway because it gives me a chance to unplug" and other obvious bs.

The program will cost a casual $27 billion dollars (known to Manhattan residents as "pennies") and will reportedly add 1,025 wifi equipped cars that will also feature USB chargin stations (!!!), security cameras, and full color display screens. 750 of these cars will have an open end design, which basically means there will no longer be the scary death zone between cars for teenagers to walk through and scare the shit out of you. On the downside, this means that if that the pee smell emanating from the homeless guy in the corner will no longer be contained to one car, but instead affect the entire train.

This plan will take over five years to complete, at which point we'll all have uploaded our consciousness to the iCloud and the whole thing will be obsolete. 




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