May 14, 2013
She's the chicest dressed betch in DC, she hooks up with the most exclusive pro of the US, and her biggest frenemy is the flagpole that's lodged up the First Lady's asshole. She is Olivia Pope and this week's betch of the week.
Olivia Pope is the star of Scandal, a show we OBVIOUSLY love. Like, it's called Scandal. And it's on ABC meaning it's automatically on a higher level of ridiculousness than even your most gripping reality show. This shit is Grey's Anatomy but casually set in the West Wing, like Homeland for a dumb sorority girl or poor people without Showtime.
So as every Scandal fan knows, the season finale is airing on Thursday, and that means we will have to endure 4-7 months of suffering from Olivia-Pope-Intense-Face Withdrawal. It's a real thing. But really, besides getting really excited every time she and the "leader of the free world" hook up, the reason I watch this show is for these faces.
She does this almost-crying thing and she makes her face scrunch up and goes WHAT. DID. YOU. DO.
It's totes her acting go-to.
Olivia Pope's almost-crying face is to Scandal as Carrie Mathison's actual-crying face is to Homeland ...both total fucking assets.
And of course we will miss the really long proclamation speeches. Somehow everyone in our great nation's capital got the memo that if you want to speak about anything, be it the mole in the White House or the hot pockets you're about to heat up, you have to prepare a 2-5 minute lecture on the subject. It goes something like I AM THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, I AM AMERICA, YOU ARE STANDING WITH AMERICA IN THE ROOM. SOMETHING VERY SERIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING NO ONE USUALLY TALKS ABOUT SO SERIOUSLY. INSERT EXTREMELY LONG SENTENCE. NOW LET ME REPEAT THE PHRASING OF WORDS I JUST SAID BUT WITH AN EMPHASIS ON A DIFFERENT WORD SO THAT YOU KNOW I'M DEEP, AND SERIOUS.
Olivia Pope is like the super betch of the political world not only because she's besties with the chief of staff and the president casually wanted to give up the presidency to hook up with her but also because she knows about every national government scandal. That's why her lips are so big, they're full of secrets.
Also, Liv dresses super chic. The reason she's the leader of the Gladiators in Suits is because she looks so fucking good in one. She even has cute little apartment outfits for when she drinks cute little bottles of wine in her cute little apartment when she chats with her cute little GBFF Cyrus.
She's also like, really philanthropic. She opens her arms and office to homeless assassins, girlfriends of guys who may put her in jail for fixing the election, and annoying gingers.
So this Thursday when you watch the finale of Scandal make sure to DVR it. This is not an advertisement, this is a recommendation based on our experience: When we watch it live we tend to miss all the important shit because our mind is busy wondering if Olivia's cheekbones are gravitationally possible.