February 6, 2014
You've probably heard whispers about a little known event which is having its opening ceremony tonight. The winter Olympics have arrived and we can't wait to see who this year's McKayla Maroney will be (as in an athlete who gets huge for about a month then we forget about until someone asks if you remember Tara Lipinski).
Unlike the last Olympics which were held in a country we would willingly live in, these games are going to be held in the former Soviet Union. Unless you're Russian or like in cartography school you probably never heard of Sochi before the Olympics. Apparently it's a warm seaside city that had basically nothing in it before it won the Olympic bid. Because why not bring thousands of people into a city that practically didn't exist before?
Anyway, the Olympics wait for no one, not even Vladimir Putin and the workers he's enslaved to finish building Sochi by tonight. I mean he literally has like eight hours before this shit starts. Maybe the Europeans will have some patience for you running out of hot water, but as Americans, we actualy give a shit about silly things like customer service and Wi-Fi.
With that, here's a roundup of all the shit that's happening in Sochi that we would absolutely not fucking tolerate.
They expect you to live amongst your own used toilet paper. Something tells me there is no maid service to take out your garbage.
You might die if you use the tap water. It's just like avoiding Montezuma's revenge on Spring Break except way fucking scarier.
Not that you'd even want to go into the bathroom anyway, because you're being spied on. Here is a quote from the Wall Street Journal where someone in the Russian government accidentally admits that they're spying on the hotels.
Dmitry Kozak, the deputy prime minister responsible for the Olympic preparations, reflected the view held among many Russian officials that some Western visitors are deliberately trying to sabotage Sochi's big debut out of bias against Russia. "We have surveillance video from the hotels that shows people turn on the shower, direct the nozzle at the wall and then leave the room for the whole day," he said. An aide then pulled a reporter away before Mr. Kozak could be questioned further on surveillance in hotel rooms.
This person is probably being beaten to death right now. And I get to say that because we have freedom of speech in America, among other things, like bottled water.
You would think that given the power to enslave and abuse workers, you would at least be able to get all the shower curtains hung. Apparently showers are a luxury in a place that doesn't even have floors.
Picture of the supreme leader: check. Room with four walls, a ceiling and a floor? Nope.
Ok, well some people don't even have a hotel.
But amid all this chaos, by far the worst thing happening in Sochi right now is the lack of Chobani yogurt. Apparently Russian customs are not allowing the New York made yogurt past customs and everyone is flipping the fuck out. Even the Obama administration is getting involved. Like, fuck running water and shelter, I'll kill a bitch before I perform ice luge without my froyo. Take my eyes but not my Chobani! If we were looking for something to trigger World War III, an embargo on betches' favorite meal will be all it takes for me to head to D.C. and start picketing.