July 25, 2014
As teenagers, it’s a fact of life that we’ll make bad decisions. Mine included having an earring, trying to grow out my bowl cut (with my head shaved underneath, obvi) and thinking I could skateboard. For one teen named Hannah, hers was asking 24 year old high school freshman Taylor Swift for dating advice via Instagram:
“A guy who this one time, when we were younger, said that I was ‘like’ his girlfriend because I was a girl and his friend,” she continues. “I wish. A guy who I have the biggest crush in the whole wide world on, and he’ll never like me back. (And he has a girlfriend who he adores and she’s pretty and has an amazing figure and is actually nice to me). A guy who will never like me back. @taylorswift can you give me some advice maybe. I love you. Hannah.”
Heartbreaking, actually. What’s astonishing, though, is that Taylor actually replied to her! When I saw this, I was interested to see what TayTay’s advice would be; to see if she was any threat to my self-appointed reign as The Best Advice-Giver On the Internet. The verdict? I still fucking rock. Let’s see what Swifty had to say.
Hannah. Eyes, eyes, eyes. Woah. You have the prettiest, widest, most child like eyes.
I like how TSwift responds to an upset girl the same way I do: Tell her she’s pretty so she’ll shut the fuck up.
About this guy. I think we grow up thinking the only love that counts as true love is the kind that lasts forever or is fully realized. When you have a broken heart, the first thing a stranger will ask is 'how long were you two together?' As if your pain can be determined by how long you were with someone. Or if you were with them at all.
Yes ladies, Taylor Swift believes that society oppresses us into believing the only relationships that matter are the ones that actually exist, not the ones we make up in our heads (like the one I have with Taylor Swift, for instance). Does Taylor think this is how love actually works?
I don't think that's how it works.
Deep thoughts, Taylor. Deep thoughts.
I think unrequited love is just as valid as any other kind. It's just as crushing and just as thrilling.
In fairness, if anyone would know, it’s Taylor Swift. She’s been in an unrequited relationship with a guy named “The Ability to Sound Good Live” her entire life.
No matter what happens in this situation, I want you to remember that what you are doing is selfless and beautiful and kind. You are loving someone purely because you love them, not because you think you'll ever have your affections reciprocated. You are admiring something for its beauty, without needing to own it.
A nice sentiment, but a stupid one. This isn’t selfless, it’s the opposite. If it were selfless, she wouldn’t be asking a celebrity for advice about it. To love someone is by definition not selfless, because it’s concerned, in its entirety, with how YOU feel about someone else who has no say in the matter. I don’t expect that level of self-awareness from a teenager, but Taylor Swift is 24 fucking years old.
Feel good about being the kind of person who loves selflessly. I think someday you'll find someone who loves you in that exact same way.
Yes, maybe one day she too will find someone who loves her in an obsessive, unreciprocated way. I would ask Taylor Swift for advice on lots of things. Like how to get my teeth really white, or how to write a formulaic pop song, but not dating. Taylor swift has amassed a nine-figure net worth by being systematically bad at dating. Think about it - when Taylor Swift gets married, she’s done. Or at least she should be - it would be unseemly to claim you’ve found everlasting love and happiness while continuing to get rich by wretching about ex-boyfriends.
If you need dating advice, email me instead.