August 21, 2012
We’ve already established that #77 shopping is one of the betchiest pastimes, alongside getting biweekly manicures and classily drinking until you pass out. But in the realm of shopping everyone knows that online shopping is the best. Buying shit virtually may be the laziest, betchiest method of purchase ever, outside of hiring a personal shopper and importing your very own starving African child with your exact measurements to try clothes on for you. Clearly online shopping comes as naturally to betches as underarm hair does to the French.
Shopping via our macbooks means completely eliminating all the #36 work associated with this exhausting activity. You think making money is hard, try spending it. But luckily you have another option literally at your fingertips. It's like, I could actually GO to Intermix and sift through the racks while fake smiling at less attractive fellow shoppers and pretending to care what the short little high-pitched girl at the counter thinks of this multi-strap bodice blouse, or I could buy it in 3 clicks, in my underwear. We may not be able to buy happiness, but we can buy instant gratification.
Online shopping doesn't just save you time and energy, it's also a powerful de-stressor, much like yoga or yelling at your dad. The small challenge of online shopping is that you’re only as good as your taste. Not everyone is cut out for it, but the true betch has a discerning, critical eye that only comes with years of experience. We’re in tune with what works on our bodies and in our wardrobe, and we know the difference between being obsessed with the perfect item and when we’re just overcome by a trend or the model’s skinny collarbone.
You can spot another seasoned online shopper based on her broad offhand knowledge of sizing. Like Fifty once said pre-Chelsea, we’re a seasoned fit when it comes to this shit. Parker runs big. Order a half size up in Loubs. And if you don’t know what fits you in JBrand, you’re doing life wrong.
That's not to say that this method is entirely anxiety-free. Every younger betch knows the routine of tracking your Shopbop package and racing home to get it before your parents do. At the very least, remember to give your housekeeper a head's up that if she lets any packages within your parents' lines of sight, she will be on the first Carnival cruise back to Trinidad.
As for the seasoned betch, we've been perfecting splitting shit on 4 different cards since we were tall enough to be able to reach into our dad's pocket for his wallet.
So betches, shop without dropping by cutting out the work and doing it online. It’s like taking a Xanax while simultaneously sending presents into the future to the coolest betch you know: you, in 3-5 business days.