WTF Is Going on In Oregon?

By Jane Duh

So, depending on how good you are at turning out the real world, you may or may not have heard about the latest iteration of America's angry-white-guys-with-guns problem. This time, all of the angry-white-guys-with-guns have organized and are now wreaking havoc on a place called "Oregon" that is apparently a "state" in the "union." As of right now, an armed militia has taken over a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon and are straight up refusing to leave until they get what they want, you know, like shitty white guys always do for everything ever.

So who is doing this and, like, why?

Well, it all started these two bros by the name of Dwight (73) and Steven (46) Hammond who were were convicted of arson three years ago. According to the Hammonds, they were lighting the fires to "reduce growth of invasive plants" on their farm, which sounds legit to me but what the fuck do I know I've literally never been to a farm. The Hammonds told this to the government but Oregon was not having any of it and both Hammonds had to go to jail which I've heard is actually nothing like Orange is the New Black and actually sucks a whole bunch. So the Hammonds get out of jail and are like "Well fuck, thank God I'm never doing that again!" but then a judge was like "jk!" and told them that they had to go back to jail and nobody was even going to do a Making a Muderer about it because their jail time didn't meet "mandatory minimum sentencing laws.

So, okay, that undeniably sucks a whole load of dick. I, too, would be extremely pissed.

The Hammonds then just like, went back to jail I guess. They didn't do anything crazy or set anything on fire. They just went back to jail and were like "we're gonna try to talk to Obama about this." And normally, shit would just be left there, but, duh it is totally not because now the Hammonds' significantly crazier bffs, the Bundys, get involved and they are pissed.

So Ammon and Ryan Bundy are the sons of Cliven Bundy (lol cool name) who pulled some similar fuckery back in 2014 in Nevada (look it up).  They own a farm as well and hate Obama. They were also extremely pissed to see that their friends and probable drinking partners were going to have to go back to jail, and they decided to do something about it. So they did what any betch would do and gathered up a bunch of their besties who gathered up a bunch of their guns and took over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. You know, just some casual overthrow of the federal government shit. NBD.

So now they're just like, there. Waiting. The Bundys and co. accuse the federal government of trying to push ranchers off their land which I can't comment on because I know literally nothing about ranches or farms or any of that shit. The Bundys are also calling upon fellow small government betches around the world to join the seizure of the refuge building which like, nobody is going to do but whatever. Ammon Bundy even told The Oregonian that they're "prepared to stay here for years."

But this is the last time we'll write anything about it. Hopefully. 




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