The Betches Guide To The Oscar Nominees

By Betch Du Jour

The 88th Oscar nominees were announced last Thursday and (not shockingly) everyone was pissed because all the noms were white AFFF. In case you want to be in on the conversation, here's really all you need to know about the shitty and non-shitty films/actors/actresses that were arbitrarily recognized by a group of people who hate diversity this year. 

Best Picture

The Big Short: Think "Wolf of Wall Street" but without Leo and definitely without Jonah Hill's prosthetic dick. But with Brad Pitt, so still watchable/pretty good.

Bridge of Spies: A Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks collab always gives the Academy a pretentious boner, but it's pretty clear that this one isn't going to win so don't worry about it. Go home and watch "Saving Private Ryan" instead.

Brooklyn: A nice girl travels to America from Ireland and has two guys pretty much become like, obsessed with her. It's annoying but "beautifully shot."

Mad Max: Fury Road: Feminist AF and full of hot people (Charlize Theron, Rosie Huntington Whiteley, my boyfriend Tom Hardy, etc.). Probably not going to win though because "genre bias" or whatever. 

The Martian: Fun for the first hour until you realize that Mark Watney's a total nerd and is obsessed with carbs. Then Childish Gambino shows up with a stapler to explain how space works and you're just like whhhaaattt is taking so long.

The Revenant: Basically Leo's been campaigning the shit out of this film, so if you haven't heard of it by now, where in God's name have you been? Oh yeah, and the synopsis is that Leo and Tom Hardy have beef so Tommy leaves him for dead. And it's like, really really cold. Everywhere. All the time.

Room: A woman and her 5 year old son are held captive in a room forever, and it's suuuuuch a bummer.

Spotlight: Critics loved this shit because it's about journalism and the Catholic church sucking. So it's pretty much between this and "The Revenant" taking home the win. You can quote me on that later when I'm right.

Best Actor

Bryan Cranston: Trumbo Walter White was a great shady communist.

Matt Damon, The Martian: Looked really good in a space suit, which is more than we can say for both Sandra Bullock and George Clooney.

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant: We get it. Leo deserves an Oscar. Yawn.

Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs: Why????

Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl: Eddie makes a pretty dope girl, so honestly *fingers crossed* for him.

Best Actress

Cate Blanchett, Carol: Hottest milfy lesbian this year.

Brie Larson, Room: Ugh. Such a negative Nancy the whole time.

Jennifer Lawrence, Joy: J. Law is supposed to be like 47 in this film, but she pulls it off OK (which now that I think about it, is kind of weird for her).

Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years: IDK who the fuck this is, so no.

Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn: No-one will ever pronounce Saoirse right. Best to give up while you're already super behind, John. 




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login