Oscar Recap: Ban Hathaway

By The Betches

For those of you who didn't hear about it the Oscars were on last night. In general we thought Seth MacFarlane was funny as fuck and he's actually hot. Why he would choose to go into animation is unclear to us. It's also safe to say Seth was the only reason we were able to tolerate this million hour marathon of bullshit. Like why was there so much music? If I wanted to watch a Broadway show I would go see a fucking Broadway show, at least that would be shorter. But then all the sudden it was like I was back in 2002 and Chicago was relevant again...? Whatevs I'm just happy with the overall results. Les Mis won for sound mixing...and nothing else. That's like getting a check plus on your SATs.

Red Carpet

Best Dressed: Jessica Chastain, Amy Adams, Amanda Seyfried, Octavia, J-Law's back necklace, Kerry Washington, Jane Fonda, Naomi Watts, Halle Berry

Worst Dressed: Anne Fucking Hathaway, Reese Witherspoon, Zoe Saldana, Melissa McCarthy

Anne, like the devil wore a Prada "dress." More like a Prada fucking backpack. Tell me you're wearing those silk strappy sandals from my closet in 1998. And Stila lipgloss.

Charlize's dress was great but like I thought she was Ellen Degeneres.

Zoe Saldana looks like my 3-year-old niece cut a piece of paper into a really bad snowflake.

Who the fuck dressed Melissa McCarthy she looked like she just endured a wind tunnel. She was also wearing the jersey sheets I slept on freshman year of college.

The Show

JenAn either had botox like 3 mins before the ceremony or just smoked a huge blunt.

Robert Downey Jr. does not applaud.

"Daniel Day Lewis, so if you saw Don Cheadle on the street did you try to free him?" - Seth

I can totally picture Seth MacFarlane, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Daniel Radcliffe in like a really gay love triangle.

Anytime they show clips of Les Mis, does everyone always HAVE to look mis?

Adele looked like the definition of over it when she was performing Skyfall, she was visibly frustrated at the lack of alcohol at this impractically long show. Fanks! for boring me to tears.

Grandma opens for J Hud, Wolverine closes. J Hud, too unreal to make fun of.

K-Stew fucking limping in her couture dress was the best moment of my life. Whoever beat her up, we have a reward.

Babz is a queen.

What was the last thing Salma Hayek did that she is presenting at the Oscars? Oh yeah, she promotes milk.

Jack Nicholson was so high he thought he was in the hotel in The Shining.

Richard Gere asks someone else to read the winner for original score because his cataract got in the way.

Why does Quvenzhané Wallis think she is Muhammad Ali?

Meryl F baby looks sort of old like she needs to go get that potion shit from Death Becomes Her.

Who we missed at the Oscars: Leo DiCap, Brad and Angie, Renee Zelwegger's eyes.

More importantly, how does TD Bank have a monopoly on announcing the time and temperature?

Anne Hathaway

Raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by a painfully rehearsed acceptance speech by Justin Bieber's female twin. I can literally picture Anne standing at a bathroom mirror while googling 'good love quotes for husbands' on an iPad. Honey do you think I should inhale at 4 breaths a minute or like 5?

The Awards

Christoph Waltz is on his second Supporting Actor award. Moral of the story: the Academy loves ze German accents.

Sup with all the Dumbledores winning every other award?

Quentin Tarantino was like probably doing coke in the bathroom during commercial breaks and based on Ben Affleck's acceptance speech he was probably in the stall right next to him. I mean he thanked Canada, and not just Montreal and Toronto, like, the entire thing.

Why was Michelle Obama an announcer for this shit? She's not in the entertainment industry and none of the nominees are fat kids.




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