December 28, 2012
Whether you're tanning on a beach or growing ghostly because you're a post grad betch miz at work, it's always a good time to review the year you've had. And no, we don't mean in the way of feeling remorseful and/or nostalgic...who can bother with nostalgia when all your memories are blackout and exist only on your instagram. Instead of wallowing in our regrets and "resolving to be better next year," we prefer to back-stalk ourselves through 2012 and soak up our own awesomeness. After all it's the most wonderful time of the year, aka a perfect reason to revisit some times we were exceptionally fucking hilarious.
Now we know our typical lists only have 10 things and that's because we're usually lazy and generally believe it's best to keep brain activity to a minimum (everyone knows the best things in life are scarce, fucking duh)...but when it comes to reviewing our very own hilarious posts, we stretched to do our top 15. Just taking a break from thinking about ourselves to write it down, as we say. So, happy fucking new year, and cheers to ourselves of course for entertaining you, and cheers to you we guess, for being literate.
Finally, for those of you who will call us lame for reposting our old shit, STFU, we're just copying what the New York Times does, ever heard of it?
Every betch knows the 2012 election was basically when twitter got really boring. It was fucking impossible to avoid the persistent updates and hashtags about the election, until that one night in October when America's number one Mormobro Mitt Romney said something about having binders full of women. Irony aside, this is basically the most scandy thing you can say during a betchocracy debate aside from dropping the f-bomb, and the internet went bat shit crazy with memes about Mitten's binders. Fun fact: Our Burn Binder was rated #1 on a TV channel's website, beating out the OG "binders full of women" tumblr. For a hot sec it was almost like being Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, if we were old married bros who get rewarded for keeping up with the boring ass news. Read article>>
This was one of our first TBTs, and a classic more instant than the Messenger itself. This post is your entire cyber betchhood described in like five paragraphs. Warning: this post contains many #21 abbrevs. Read article>>
The title says it all. This post obviously went completely viral due to the nature of Jewish geography, aka like every single JAB in the world has read this post and like, probably 5 halfsies from New York. Also this post sparked some gemly comments from some overbearing Jewish mothers, natch, so we encourage you to skim the comments section (at your own risk). Read article>>
There's literally nothing betchier than being permanently branded with the tagline 'not impressed'. It lets the world know that your standards are really fucking high. Read article>>
Investment bankers were the #62 Pros of 2012. So what if Obama thinks they destroyed the economy, what's not to love about a post that closely analyzes (what we say are) the inner workings the biggest assholes you know? Read article>>
This was our response to some ridiculous NYT article about moms who hire 'rush coaches' for their daughters. It may be an old article but everyone knows making fun of rush is timeless and also, winter rush is just around the corner, so freshmen, get your rush coach and/or a suicide hotline on speed dial. Read article>>
Because some betches know the secret to getting yourself to the gym is the chance show off your new Lululemons and neon sneakers. Read article>>
In a bad mood? Want to take out your anger by reading insults of people who have no idea who the fuck you are? Read this post and join us in #1 talking shit about a range of shitty celebrities from Lea Michele to Kristen Stewart. And afterwards if you're really feeling angry you can pop a xany with us in honor of Hollywood's glorification of people who suck. Read article>>
The WGA was one of those posts where the title makes like little to no sense but fucking everybody who reads it is like, OMG like this is my life!!! Honestly if you don't have a WGA you're probably just like not that hot, sorry. So if you haven't read it, here's your chance. [For already-fans of the WGA: We go way more into depth on the subject in our book, which is coming out in March, and you should preorder it so we can be bestsellers. And no, we're not sorry we plug our book every chance we get because it's more hilarious than words can say. Even our moms said so.] Read article>>
A mind-blowing analysis of a mind-blowing movie. If Jack Dawson is your dream bro, think again betches, think again. Read article>>
When Michelangelo or whoever sculpted the ideal man, we're sure the only reason he came up with The David was because Scott Disick had yet to be born. This post was our ode to him so if you're a true Disick-lover your bestie already posted it on your FB timeline (ew) months ago. Read article>>
Miley Cyrus had an interesting year. She got really skinny (not a problem), tweeted philosophical shit, and smoked a lot of pot and told everyone about it. Oh, and then she got engaged at fucking age 19. Apparently she didn't get the memo that when you cut your hair and look like Robyn, you don't get the 'just being Miley' excuse anymore. Whatevs, she and Liam aren't married yet (it must take a while to plan three whole weddings when you're still an incompetent teenager who never went to high school)...so maybe she'll read this letter and things will go back to 2011. Read article>>
That time we reviewed this trendy movie. Unlike Harry Potter and fucking Twilight, the Hunger Games franchise is totally still relevant and doesn't make us want to vom...ironic considering the name. Read article>>
We've always held a certain fascination for the maybe gay bro but more importantly, the actually gay bros he's maybe fucking on the side. This post remains a personal fav of ours because it has all the answers we've always wanted and more from the gay bro's perspective. Read article>>
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing