Sarah Palin Officially Endorses Donald Trump

By Betch Ivy Carter

I know politics aren’t really our thing, as it requires both keeping up with the news and listening to old white men talk, but every four years we have to make an exception and ignore the impulse to leave the room anytime someone utters the word “election” or “primary” for two very important reasons

-       The future of the country is at stake

-       Otherwise we won’t be able to understand the jokes SNL will be making every weekend from now until November.

Currently, Donald Trump and the rest of the rag tag band of punchlines that make up the Republican presidential candidates are touring Iowa in an attempt to garner some final support before the caucuses on February 1st. It's a close race between everyone's favorite talking Twinkie and Ted Cruz, which means that if there was anytime for Trump to pull out the big guns, this would be it . And oh, did he deliver.

Taking a page out of his reality TV past, Trump literally pulled someone from the last season of "Who Wants to Be Commander and Chief" to support him. Is this the Bachelor or a presidential election? ABC, hit me up for the crossover to end all crossovers. Spoiler: it involves Chris Harrison moderating the next debate.

In a speech that sounds like it was written by a blacked out freshman after a single poli-sci class, Sarah Palin officially endorsed Donald Trump to a crowd of conservative Iowans, a scenario directly out of our collective nightmares. If you listen really closely, you can still hear all of Europe cackling.

It's no secret that Sarah Palin isn't the brightest, or that the world loves to make fun of her for it. We all remember 2008, I don't need to rehash it for you. And yet, nothing prepared me for the speech she delivered on Tuesday.

A transcript of the entire thing can be found here, and God speed to any who tries to read it. I had to quit with three paragraphs left because my eye was twitching too violently to continue. We've pulled a few choice quotes for your viewing pleasure. Drink every time there's a word missing.

Ready to make America great again, are you ready to stump for Trump?

I don't know what "Stump for Trump" means but please, God, somebody make a shirt.

He is from the private sector, not a politician, can I get a “Hallelujah!”

He isn't trained! He has no experience in politics! He's just super rich! Our savior has come!

Yeah, our leader is a little bit different. He’s a multi-billionaire. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But, it’s amazing, he is not elitist at all.

This is the face of non-elitism.

No more pussy footin' around.

In the entire cabal of PR people that Palin employs, did not one person tell her it isn't okay to say pussy on TV?

We’re not gonna chill. In fact it is time to drill baby drill down and hold these folks accountable.

I am 90% sure someone handed Sarah Palin a "Conversing with Millennials" dictionary on the flight over and she just chose words at random to insert into her speech.

How about the rest of us? Right-winging, bitter-clinging, proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religion, and our Constitution.

This is literally an Onion description of a Sarah Palin supporter.

Shout out to Tina Fey who probably has to memorize the entire thing by this weekend. We're all praying for you.




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