235. Passive Aggression

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Betches are great at almost everything, but confrontation is not one of those things. That's because coming straight out and saying why you're pissed at someone over something is not our bodies' natural response. It takes too much work to corner the person and it also makes you seem like you give too many fucks. This is precisely the reason why you and all your besties are extremely passive aggressive.

Just like the myriad of steps in our beauty regimen, a betch has many tactics in her passive aggressive arsenal. These include, but are not limited to:

Notes: Most effective when dealing with roommates and people who park like assholes. The perfect note is harsh, yet covered in so many platitudes and smiley faces the reader doesn't know it's actually pretty bitchy until later that night when they're trying to fall asleep. Betches have also been known to receive many notes because they tend to #130 park like fucking idiots idiots.

Texts: The e-note. Emojis encouraged, but don't go overboard or you'll look like a weirdo.

"I'm sorry, but...": Sorry is the last thing I am, but if I start off a bitchy statement with "I'm sorry" then I don't have to apologize later.

The Cold Shoulder: The best way to let someone know you're annoyed without letting them know anything. It's the silent killer.

"It's not a huge deal or anything...": ...but it actually is a huge deal and you're uninvited to my birthday because of said "non big deal".

Glares: Be it a side-eye, stink eye, death glare, or The Look, it will come when you're least expecting it and be scarier than stepping on the scale on January 2nd. Unlike resting betch face, it's hard to describe but you'll know it when you see it.

Although it feels better at the time because you get to shadily be a bitch without dealing with people's direct reactions, being passive aggressive ultimately makes things worse in the long run. Why? Because you don't properly get your anger out, and you just stew in passive aggression while you mentally record every little transgression the offender has commmitted. But if betches were concerned about our physical or mental health in the long run we wouldn't binge drink, take other people's adderall, or do anything else betches are known for doing, so...non-confrontation it is.

Please note that being passive aggressive does not apply to situations like driving (betches are just aggressive, even if we're aggressively stupid), getting the wrong Starbucks order, that other party of 4 being seated before you even though you got here first, etc. When it's a life or death situation like that there's no time to be passive.




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