Broast Of The Week: Paul Ryan

By Jane Duh

Today's broast goes out to the biggst bro in the House of Representatives, noted P90X champion, and the Speaker of My Heart, Paul Ryan. Now, you may remember this adorable little nugget from the 2012 Presidential election when you accidentally saw one second of the news and were like, "woah who is that nice piece of dick standing next to Mitt Romney?" before immediately commencing not caring again.

Well, luckily (or unluckily if you're someone who cares about like, the government and shit) precious Paul is back in a HUGE way as the new Speaker of the House, which is apparently a really important job.

And how did he land such a sweet job, you may ask?

In the betchiest way possible, and that is why he is this week's Broast.

Based on my extensive research and one Wikipedia article, here is how it went down:

So, way back when The Pope was in town he met with the former Speaker of the House John Boehner who is mostly known for crying all the time and having a very intense tan. Something happened and Boehner comes out and is like "Yo now that I've met The Pope I'm kind of over this job," and quits. So then GOP was buggin'  because they legit could not find anyone to be Speaker of House bc everybody remembered how much the job had made John Boehner cry and crying in public is fucking disgusting so nobody wanted to do it. The GOP was basically just a bunch of Gretchens and Karens in search of a Regina. It was sad to watch.

Then the GOP did exactly what any betch would do and was like, "Okay we cannot find anyone qualified to do this job so who is the hottest person in the House of Representatives? Why don't we just pick them?"

They all immediately looked to Paul Ryan (who was probably in the back corner of Congress doing burpees or something) and were like, "Paul Ryan you are the youngest and the hottest out of all of us please be the new Speaker."

And Paul Ryan was like "....nah" and went back to doing burpees but way faster than before and with two jumping jacks at the end.

The GOP returns to freaking out so Paul Ryan, once again, stops his workout to be like, "Okay, I will be Speaker but only if you give me some shit that I want first," which is literally the opposite of how things are supposed to work. Usually, one party member does favors for everyone else and then in return they let him be speaker, not the entire party doing favors for one guy until he agrees to lead them.

The GOP is like "okay fine we'll do anything you are so hot," and Paul Ryan is like, "I'll only be Speaker if 1) straight up everyone in the party agrees to support me bc I do not need haterism in my Congress, 2) we change the rules so it is harder to fire the Speaker bc I don't feel like dealing with that kind of bullshit, 3) I want to spend time with my kids and my hot wife (because duh I have a hot wife), and 4) everyone needs to start eating lean proteins because you all look like shit!!!"

And the GOP agreed.

So now Paul Ryan is Speaker of the House and even though I politically do not agree with anything that he stands for and genuinely hope that he is not able to accomplish any of his goals, I will always, always, always support his decision to do this photoshoot with Time Magazine: 

Way to go, Mr. Speaker! 




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