December 17, 2014
Dear People Posting Facebook Statuses,
Hey you, you posting weekly novellas about your newborn, how blessed you are to have Kevin in your life and how a summer in BarTHelona changed you, stop. If you’re posting about how great, enlightened or blessed you are, stop. If you’re posting about anything else on Facebook, also stop.
It’s not that I’m not overjoyed Kevin is in your life, really, good for you and Kevin. I just feel that there are better outlets for discussing this. Try talking to your mother, she usually cares about stuff like that. Directing brag-y monologues at 768 people to get 23 pity likes makes the other 745 people out there cringe. The 23 people who like your status are probably cringing too.
Ever since words were outsourced to Twitter and pictures were outsourced to Instagram, Facebook has only survived because it’s good for stalking, so please just stick to using in silence. The real problem with posting self-congratulatory essays on Facebook is that 1. It makes you seem old 2. No one cares 3. People will hate you. And by people I mean me.
Aside from the obnoxious but acceptable Georgetown 2016!!! status or a really funny birthday post to a friend, keep it to yourself. No one really believes that your life is as good as your sparkly narration makes it seem, so save yourself the trouble and be quiet.
I’ll end with a general PSA - If you’re ever on the fence about posting a Facebook status, let me voice the consensus of the universe and scream, NO. And if you’re ever completely, positively certain about posting a Facebook status, also a loud NO. If not for your dignity, exercise restraint for me, who does not want to read your random Wednesday musings.
Go buy a journal