August 4, 2015
Weddings can be especially stressful. Chicken or steak? Should I go home with this bro or that one? Will it make my long-term BF feel the pressure when I catch the bouquet? Is this an open bar, how much longer, how many drinks can one order at once? How drunk is socially appropriate? What will hold the flowers (the only thing that you can really rule out is mason jars)? Omg, most importantly, what's going to be my wedding hashtag?
Since we are right in the thick of wedding season, here's a guide to help you decide on the all-important outfit for whatever type of wedding you'll be attending.
Assuming that not being chosen as bridesmaids hasn't ruined any future chance of being friends with the bride—even though you guys totally carpooled together in middle school and who TF cares if "Karen" roomed with her in college—best to dress with the attitude of a bridesmaid. Not in the way you wear something fugly predetermined by the bride in hopes no one upstages her on her most magnificent day, but more on the lines of ethereal, earthy, flowy feminine and not white or uber slutty. If not being chosen as bridesmaid was the last straw in a dwindling friendship show up in a white cut-out and make her regret EV-ER-Y-THING.
Think Jessa Duggar (the hot Duggar) or those people whose Instagrams you mostly liked until you saw they have religious quotes in their bios. Chances are they signed that virginity contract years ago and this groom has taken a lot of cold showers since then. I would go conservative since there probably won't be a lot of drinking or dancing, the two biggest sins in every religion/two greatest pleasures of life. I would also go for a dress/skirt over pants. These people definitely won't be voting for a powerful pantsuit-wearing feminist, and they'll appreciate the white jumpsuit you copied from J.Lo even less.
Ugh. The wedding that is obnoxiously beautiful. Two people declaring their love for one another while the sun sets on the water is one of the very few instances of beauty not even you can compete with. Luckily, this means the stakes are less high than normal and the options are endless. A long maxi dress that flutters in the wind, a colorful dress that will make you stand out in the sunlight at sunset; you get the idea. Just make sure you have a really good tan.
I feel like this couple has their shit together and I'm kinda jealous, tbh. They aren't just, like, getting married; they are creating the event of a century with an invite that was harder to snag than the uppity bride-to-be. This is also the type of wedding to meet someone in finance and go home with said Morgan Stanley/Goldman Sachs/rich-as-fuck dude. Dress classy because chances are his parents/"lifestyle financiers" are there and events like this are where the line gets drawn between wifey material and girl who's way too comfortable getting blacked out.
I can confirm you will be the hottest girl at the wedding. Bangs on a pasty girl only go so far in the real world. This wedding will most likely take place where tumbleweeds or abandoned warehouses that "are so cute, right?... right?" are a staple. At least it will make for a great Insta showing how in touch with your earthy side you are. You might still want to stand out just in case one of the groomsmen could be super hot once you get rid of the man bun and/or beard.
This is Michael Jordan game six, or for a metaphor more than 1 percent of you will understand: This is Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair. Beyonce holding her breath everytime Kanye walks on stage, or Taylor Swift trying to make plans with another high-powered female celebrity that will up her cred. Put simply, this is not a fucking drill. I sincerely hope you are reading this attached to an IV pole for malnutrition and once you get those release papers from the hospital you can slip into that size -000 dress. Wear red or pink (duh) to stand out and have whoever the fuck you're trying to impress dyingggggg—not literally, like you.
The wedding that is usually where one-percenters congregate to complain about taxes, or whatever it is rich white men find to lament about. You will never hear the word "daddy" used more in one evening or see more women wearing Lily Pulitzer, so go for something that won't make you a total social outcast but will also help you stand out a little. The striped dress from Topshop with a subtle cut out or the cute fringe Missoni dress are surefire ways to find someone to call (sugar)daddy.
You're either about to be fucked up or are already there. There are two types of couples who get married in Vegas: (a) the mentally unstable i.e. Britney Spears and Jason Alexander 2004 (b) they are both strangers to you and each other. I would go for something black because there is a high chance some drunk idiot will spill/barf/disturb your outfit.