January 29, 2014
Did you know that if 100,000 people sign a petition on whitehouse.gov that the White House is required to respond to it, no matter how stupid it is? Oh you had no idea? Because it has no relevance to your life? WRONG.
Some fine American citizens have decided to use this little petition stunt to do what they've always wanted: export the bad egg who's been influencing innocent American children to act like douchey fuckups. I mean, Justin Bieber's from Canada, how can we trust their morals? These are the same people who think everyone has a right to health care.
The text of the petition is below. And I have no doubt they kept it short because they knew it would be read by mostly illiterate types who care enough to deport a pop star.
"We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture. We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive and drug-abusing Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked. He is not only threatening the safety of our people, but he is also a terrible influence on our nation's youth. We the people would like to remove Justin Bieber from our society."
Yes, I agree Justin Bieber is a massive asshole and looks like a fucking idiot. However he isn't THAT much different or crazier than some regular teenage fuckups, except they either don't get caught (if they're rich) or they do get caught and thrown in jail immediately (if they're poor). Welcome to your country, we hope you like it. Do these people realize that due to forces such as globalization and instagram that even if Justin Bieber were to be deported, he could still have exactly the same influence on our nation's youth? The only difference is that TMZ will have to pay its international papparazzi instead of its domestic ones. So basically you're signing a petition to endorse outsourcing.
Not only that, but even if Justin Bieber were to disappear from the face of the earth, there will never be a shortage of pop stars or people who want to be pop stars, ready and eager to take up the mission of negatively influencing the youth. Maybe you should have raised us not to idolize such shitheads?
Anyway, now the White House has to respond to this petition because they reached the magic number 100,000. Just add it to the list of complex
issues PR opportunities that come with being the best country in the world.