Piper Chapman: Betch of the Week

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

In honor of the return of one of our favorite shows, Orange is the New Black, whose second season will be premiering on Netflix this Friday, June 6th (not a paid promo), this week’s BOTW is none other than the one, the only, Piper Chapman.

If there’s a better depiction of your classic WASB on TV who also doesn’t happen to be a super annoying goody two shoes, I’d love to know. If not, I will gladly direct you to Piper.

Piper’s super skinny, she’s gorg, you know right off the bat that she has amazing and natural boobs (thanks for pointing that out within the first 30 seconds of the pilot, Tastee), she’s shadily Katy Perry’s blonde doppleganger, etc. Onto the real betchiness:

1. Piper DGAF

First, she has a serious relationship with another woman and her parent’s are all like, “wait, so does that make you a lesbian?” and she’s just all, shrug life. Then, there’s the fact that when we first meet Pipes, she’s not even bummed that she’s going to jail. She’s actually like, excited to go so she can lose even more weight and get super toned from all that allotted exercise time. Leave it to Piper to see the betchy side in everything, even prison *shudder*.

2. She’s a self-made betch

Your best friend Jenna might sell Chamsa charm bracelets on Etsy, but Piper’s got a line of artisanal soaps that almost got placed in Nordstrom. Suck it, Jenna.

3. She’s fearless AF

Let’s talk about how one look at a used tampon sandwiched between my English muffin would’ve sent me crying to the warden, but not this betch. After trying to apologize and failing miserably, she wised up and quit being nice, and instead started being smart and got to eat again (yay, sustenance). Also sorry for the spoiler (am I really, though?) but the way she beat the shit out of crazy fucking white trash Tiffany at the end of the last season was a combination of tough/scrappy all betches aspire to reach in the one drunken brawl of their lifetime. Tiffany was more annoying than a coked-out Chihuahua and I could not stand to look at those nasty-ass teeth, so Chapman FTW.

4. She's marrying the NJB


5. She is the betch everyone wants

Literally, from Jason Biggs, to Donna, to Crazy Eyes, I mean, who isn’t trying to get into Piper’s jumpsuit?

Betchiest quotes:

“Oh my god, Larry. By the time I get out, there’ll have been like, three new generations of iPhones.” – True, Piper. True.

[When saying bye to Larry] “I love you. Please keep my website updated.” – A betch has got to have her priorities. Fiancé? Ehh. Website? Yeah that’s what’s most important.

“Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me.” – I feel you, girl. If my man was keeping up with Don's shadiness behind my back I’d dump him too. It’s the ultimate betrayal.

“By all means, attribute my legitimate feelings of sadness to menses –aka what betches have been trying to convince our idiot SAB’s of for years.

“Bitches gots to learn” – well, she was off by a letter, but you get the idea.

In conclusion, big ups to Pipes for being the betchiest betch behind bars. Also special shout-out to Laverne Cox for being flawless AF on and off the screen. Whoever said orange wasn’t the new black was seriously disturbed.




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