June 6, 2012
Lets be frank and call a spade a fucking spade. Whether you're in your tweens, teens or twenties, you shadily watch Pretty Little Liars. If you say you don’t, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you, which probably isn’t very far, fat ass.
This show is Mean Girls for the age of cyber bullying, with a murder mystery back-story worthy of Sherlock Homo. Everyone already knows that we cannot resist a show that takes place in high school, with twenty and thirty year old actors playing people half their age, giving pretty much every acne ridden teenager a deep-seeded urge to get elective plastic surgery before they graduate middle school.
With the summer premiere of the third season, we would just like to take a second out of our busy schedules of shopping online and talking about our lost respect for Perez to give PLL a virtual “hey, girl."
We fucking die (much like all of the supporting cast members ) for this show because it truly does have it all. For instance, alcohol that gets you wasted but also leaves you completely able to perform life saving tasks, the dumbest parents you will ever meet, and the most scandalous teacher-student PG-rated porno.
This epic tale surrounds the over dramatized lives of five teenaged girls: Uber Betch Alyson Dislaurentis, Art Freak Aria Montgomery, Rich Nerd Spencer Hastings, Former Fatty Hanna Marin and Ambiguously-Raced Swimmer Lesbian Athlete Emily Fields. One summer, after sitting on the Iron Throne of Rosewood for thousands of years, Alyson gets black out and goes missing. Being dead is so in right now.
Yada fucking yada … we all know what happens, it's irrelevant. The best is when....
They realize they've been terrorized, instead of screaming and running for their lives, they just decide to check their text messages and make pouty faces. Also, why must they read the text sooo slowly and say A's name in unison, like... YOU ALL KNOW WHO IT'S FROM, run the fuck away.
Can't they just like, turn their phones off?
Spencer is all like, "I can tell that A’s use of iambic pentameter means that she’s most likely hiding in an obscure location that will only be introduced to the viewers in the second half hour of the show." It’s like, okay A, we get it… your teen angst now has a body count. We do commend you on your use of metaphors that are painfully obvious and scary as shit.
The fact that they all have a perfectly new manicure every day of the week, yet spend the majority of their lives frantically texting and/or digging shit up just completely boggles my mind. Like, where does one find such a sturdy Shellac?
Pleasant Looking Actors in a Supporting Role:
If Ezra Fitz was my teacher, I would never skip class. But what kind of name is Ezra? It sounds like something a senior citizen would name his dick.
There have also shadily been two Jason DiLaurentis(es?), and by shadily we mean that ABCF spent zero time trying to find a replacement who even remotely looked similar. This was confusing as I am always high when I watch this show and totally thought Alyson had like 2 bros.
And can we please talk about Toby? Like I've been dying to publicly complain how he can't even possibly pass for ugly hot. The best part is, the producers are so obviously aware of their flaw in casting that they try to compensate for Toby's 'shovel in face' look by making him walk around shirtless. But like, it doesn't work.
Also, how pissed off must Aria's mom be that she got Chad Lowe and not Rob. That's def why she moved out of the house. Your dad and I only fight about you Aria, but it's totes not your fault that we're getting divorced.
You know what must be extremely annoying for Emily (the straight actress)? Having to constantly make out with butch female swimmers/joint rollers. Apparently, the only way they could make the gorg Shay Mitchell a believable lesbian is to have her character build houses for poor people during the summer.
Shady fact, the hotel where A or Mona's lair was in is actually the same set as Merlotte's. Consider your mind blown.
So betches, we don't need to tell you to watch Pretty Little Liars because you already do. Just know that we understand your fear that one day all of the people on whom you've stepped in your life will come together and like, overcomplicate the way in which they plan on murdering you.
And finally, thank you PLL for cutting up each season into multiple highly necessary parts to better suit our Adderall prescription schedule.