PLL Recap: Witnesses Can Be a Betch

By The Betches

Last night's Pretty Little Liars left us confused as ever. And no, it had nothing to do with the blunt we smoked prior to the show. Like, why didn't they play the regular song in the opening credits? When did Melissa and Garrett become a thing? Why is Mona sweatier than my overweight uncle?

What we really fail to understand is why these Nancy Drew bitches are completely oblivious or un-accepting of the fact that A is multiple people. "I thought we were done with this shit when Mona was arrested but surprisingly we keep getting stalked by A ...because if we didn't this show would be over and then I would be left with showcasing my talents on Bing commercials"

And like, Jesus Christ, all these girls' after school activities consist of stalking down frenemies and stakeouts in front of various doctors offices. This is why kids smoke pot. It gives them better shit to do after school.


Firstly, sweet sweater vest Spence, are you on Glee? We get it. You like competitive tennis and you want to do well in school. No need to dress like a fucking librarian to prove it.

And Melissa, you LOVE a fucking summer polo. But seriously, what's with the Hastings and their proclivity to dress like they'd like a golf club up their ass?

We're not really sure what the fuck is happening over at the Hasting household, all we know is that Nanny Carrie is like always up to no good. And now her pantsuit wearing man-mother is like jerking Gartett's mexican baby boner? Did they like, meet on Grindr?

hefty hannah"Is that my boyfriend or a Cherokee Indian?"

One thing's for certain, we're absolutely elated Toby Magfugly didn't show during this ep, otherwise I would have had to puke for the 2nd time today. Once for the Tobemister and twice for learning that (still so) Desperate Housewife Terri Hatcher has moved on to bigger and better things such as Jane by Design.


Stop looking so goddamn constipated. Just because you're a lesbian doesn't mean you need to make faces suggesting you can't take a shit. 

Anyway, if A were randomly boosting my grades, I would like send her a thank you text with a winky emoticon and ask her if she wanted to meet for a J.

Ugh overachievers make me want to kill myself them.


Why are Aria and Jenna in the fucking London Philharmonic? I thought jazz flute is for fairy boys.

Instead of just talking, she and Ezra like to take part in a not so witty reparte, it's like they get off on using big words.

Also, Aria we think it's time you get some extensions. The Kelly Clarkson mid weight loss coif isn't the best look for you. Sorry, but it's true.


"Have you ever untangled spaghetti?" Is that a favorite Hefty pastime?

It's weird, we used to like Caleb last season, but now he just seems like a disgruntled sk8rboi. I think we're saying see you later boy.

Actually, the person we would love to say see ya to is Lucas. Like why's he always frantically running around in a Jansport spurting out enigmatic riddles to confuse the fook out of Hefty and Fosterboy.

And why do they always show Lucas chilling alone in science labs. What could possibly be THAT interesting that he uses his free time to examine under minimal power high school microscopes?

"Hey I'll trade you Mona for Jenna" I love how they treat the handicapped like Pokemon cards or milky pens.


Sans glasses, Jenna looks like an entirely different person and also a way worse actress. But more importantly, why does a blind girl who always wears glasses need to put on so much eye makeup? Does she also work for MAC ?

Oh and Jenna, you can stop trying to make Braille happen, it's not going to happen

Why was she playing court music from Game of Thrones? Is she like the blind jester of Westeros?


We all know you're a psychopath, why do you have to be so Mona Interrupted about it. Next thing you know she'll be screaming "ILL NEVER TELL!"

But really, she should brush up on her acting skills because no one goes on anti depressants and becomes that anti depressed.

We're confused about her whole obsession with playing cards. She says that her Uncle Ned taught her solitaire. You sure that Uncle Ned isn't just a code name for Windows 97. Nestlay Tool-aus

After all was said and creepily sang, we were left with a visual of A pouring a vodka soda from a bottle she keeps chilled with a dead body. The obvious question to ask would be Is Alison in that body bag, but our question is Does A ever get really hot wearing gloves all the time?




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