PLL Recap: Pretty Little Losers

By The Betches

Why was last night's Pretty Little Liars like, the nerdiest shit I've ever seen? First Aria is watching an old movie, like midday, by herself. Then we see Mona having a fucking orgasm just thinking about listing the countries that were once part of the USSR by population and/or gross domestic product. Then there was some shit about bioluminescence? Ugh, you call yourselves pretty little liars? More like pretty little social lepers.

I don't know, something about last night's episode was off/super boring. Maybe it was the fact that Hanna's hair was in disarray the whole time, or that Jody Sawyer was being a total nicegirl, or maybe it was because Toby actually looked half-decent and not how he usually looks, like he took a sledgehammer to the face at birth. It's safe to say that the only thing that kept us entertained was Paige's PTSD after almost being killed on that train and her need to be a strong lesbian for Emily.


There's not much to say about Em except noting that she is always finding herself chilling in a foggy forest with her lesbo companion. Right? But I just don't get why after pulling over inthe middle of fucking nowhere in the middle of the night, Emily's first reaction would be, Omg let's take a walk! Hehe.

I think I may have fallen off my couch laughing when Paige/Bruce Willis screamed…"YOU LIKE STRONG WOMEN RIGHT!?" It's almost as funny as the time I remembered Aria's dad is named Byron.


Come on, your dad killed Allison? Are we really even getting on that thought train? There's no way, like that's about as probable as Jenna getting her vision back or Caleb brushing his hair.

Omg I love your band-aid Jody Sawyer, where'd you get it?

Aria, you have the flu? How trendy.

Aria, did you really put Ali's note in your shoe? Haven't you bitches learned by now that if you have an important piece of information you don't hide it in your fucking closet, you keep it on your person. Get creative with it, tape it on your ass for fuck sake. Actually this is a perfect opportunity to endorse Stuffies, they're bedtime pals for kids in which you can hide your drugs!


After you lost the academic decathlon you should've stormed out and screamed CHLOROPHYLL, MORE LIKE BOROPHYLL.

I can make more Billy Madison jokes but I won't.... BUSINESS ETHICS. Okay I'm done. I'm just saying Spencer, YOU BLEW IT!

You made a few interesting references during this ep Spence, like "Mona is back to her old tricks" and "let's dip back in the A-bag." Out of context I'd assume Mona's an ex prostitute and you want to do Alison's left over cocaine.

Remember the time that it was completely normal when that new guy who led the quiz-off who inexplicably kept taking his glasses off and on said "Put on your Hastings face and spank her as hard as you can"… ? I cringed, and then I cringed some more. I think the last time I heard anyone use the word spank was in Anne of Green Gables.

Miss Mona Vanderwaal seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows, her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday School teacher, and she had some 99 cent lipstick on her snaggle tooth.

"You forgot Moldova, Spencer"…HOW COULD YOU!?!


It's not news to anyone that Hefty's hair looks like shit. Like get it together Hans, sup with the early onset male pattern baldness? Meanwhile she tells us that she has nightmares about gum getting stuck in her hair. Anxiety disorder anyone? anyone? I meannn….maybe that's why her hair is so short, it's full of gum.

Hanna to Mona: You think that you can do whatever you want, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an academic smart person, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an academic smart person, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?

After Hans-solo tells Mona she is dead to her, A sends Hanna a text or whatever saying "you're not the only one who can slice and dice." You weren't being very specific, A. Were you forewarning Hanna that you're going to kill and slice up Lucas or bragging that you make a mean chopped salad? 

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