Politibetch: Miami Officials Want To Cancel Ultra

By The Betches

Miami city officials are calling for the end of Ultra

This past weekend at Ultra, things got a little of hand (and not just “make out with a tree” out of hand). Apparently, a lot of people who had not paid for tickets attempted to break into the festival and ended up trampling a female security guard. As of Monday, the guard was listed in "critical" condition at Miami's Jackson memorial hospital.

The incident has since left Miami city officials threatening to cancel the molly-filled spring fling. City of Miami commissioner, Marc Snarnoff said he was planning meetings with Miami’s mayor and police and fire chiefs in order to get the festival to “never come back again”. Oh well, at least we still have Coachella… Read article>>

Kim Jung Un might be requiring North Koreans to get the same haircut as him

Reports went viral last week that the North Korean leader might be requiring male university students to have the same hair cut as him. Radio Free Asia was responsible for breaking the story. I mean, it's one thing to prevent someone from wearing white gold hoops, but requiring an entire population of people to have the same haircut as you is taking things to a different level. This is also really not helping with those jokes about Asians looking alike. Read article>>

However, since the initial report surfaced, a number of news agencies have accused Radio Free Asia of making shit up. This is totally possible considering the original report included quotes from supposed North Korean sources complaining how the haircut didn’t look good on everyone. I could be wrong, but I think North Koreans have bigger things to complain about.  Also, if talking to the press can get you shot, you’re probs not going to waste your 15 minutes of fame bitching about a fucking haircut. Read article>>

Healthcare.gov goes down...again

Really? The site went down on the last day to enroll. You'd think that if the government can tap our phones and monitor our emails they’d also be able to build a functional website. I mean, even we figured that shit out. Read article>>

WTF is going on in Ukraine Now?

Just when shit was getting interesting, Vlad has decided to withdraw some of his troops from the Russia-Ukraine border. The thing is, Russia still has Crimea and has been laying out plans to involve the region in the Russian economy, including switching their time zone two whole fucking hours ahead to be in line with Russia. He also is considering plans to involve Finland in this shit, of all the desirable countries in the world. Read article>>




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