March 11, 2014
So between an airplane vanishing out of the fucking sky and Putin being, like, SUCH a dumb bitch, there’s been a lot going on in the news lately. Here are some of the other important stories you should pay attention to.
Sarah Palin put her own spin on Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” last week at the annual CPAC conference. Palin used the popular children’s poem to mock Obama, with phrases like “I do not like this Uncle Sam. I do not like his healthcare scam…I do not like this spying man. I do not like ‘Oh, yes we can’”.
Apparently, the Dr. Seuss poem was used because Texas Sen. Ted Cruz read it during his infamous filibuster last fall. However, Palin also stated she’s a long time fan of the poem and has had it memorized since before her son, Trig was born. See, guys, she wasn’t reading she just had it memorized! That makes a lot more sense. No one who knows how to read would willingly name their son after a noise. Read article>>
Attorney General Eric Holder is calling the recent increase in heroin related deaths an “urgent public health crisis” and says he is increasing efforts to keep people off the drug. Just to make one thing clear, betches do not support the use of heroin. The “Heroin Chic” look is obviously really in right now, but so is like, being alive. Read article>>
Obama lost a bet with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper after the U.S. hockey team lost twice to the Canadians in Sochi. First of all, if I were making a bet with the President I would bet a lot more than a fucking case of beer. Also, the White House makes it’s own beer? Apparently the honey in the batch they sent to Canada even came from Michelle Obama’s garden. Sooo at what point do you think Michelle Obama just said “Fuck the obese kids” and focused on brewing beer instead? Glad to hear she’s putting that Harvard Law degree to good use. Read article>>
A group of Senate Democrats pulled an all-nighter Monday to talk about climate change. The event was dubbed a “15 hour climate change talkathon”. God, I’m bored just thinking about that. I’d rather go hear Sarah Palin’s version of Dr. Seuss. Read article>>