March 3, 2014
While many betches were busy focusing on the Oscars and how Jennifer Lawrence tripped again, world politics has been heating up. Russia has declared war on Ukraine. Believe it or not, betches, this is a really big deal. Because this situation is, like, really complicated, we’re going to spell it out for you in a way that will make sense, aka via our fave foreign betch, Ja’mie King. So listen up, betches. You’re going to want to know this shit.
So basically, in this situation, Ukraine is kind of like the #48 dud that you try and get on your side when some shit flares up with an #25 arch nemesis. Sure, the dud has some things to bring to the table (good resources, great location of their apartment, etc.), but their real purpose is that they can help shift the balance of power.
Late last year, the European Union was trying to get Ukraine on their side. We’ll have like a free trade agreement, and you can totally use my beach house in France whenever you want! Ukraine seemed to be on board for the most part, too.
But Russia's president, Vladimir Putin is this leader and he is, seriously, no offense, such a dumb bitch. All of Ukraine’s talks with the EU got him really annoyed, especially since Russia and Ukraine have like sooo much history together.
In December, after being pressured by Vlad, Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych said he would be backing out of the agreement with the EU and started to seek closer cooperation with Russia.
However, the people of Ukraine we’re NOT happy with their president’s decision, so they took to the streets to protest. As the protests developed, they started to symbolize a larger fight against political corruption and police brutality.
Last Saturday, the Ukrainian prez peaced out and the protesters took control of the capital city’s center.
After going through his abandoned residence, Ukrainians realized that their former Prez had been living in great luxury, while they had been living in poverty.
This past weekend, Putin was worried that this little "revolution" might get in the way of his plan for global domination a la Sparky Polastery, so Russia invaded Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula. (Where's Crimea? Get a fucking map). Meanwhile, Russia has also set its sight on the rest of the country. In short, war has been declared on Ukraine and the Russians are not backing down.
But since this is #63 America, we dealt with Russia in the betchiest way possible: by gathering up all our popular, rich European friends to make Russia’s life a living hell. Yesterday, the U.S. and its European allies began to cut off trade initiatives with Russia to punish the nation’s economy and force Putin to withdraw from the Crimean peninsula.
Step carefully, Putin. The whole world is watching.