March 18, 2014
Here’s what happened while you were busy getting blackout for St. Patrick’s Day:
For years now, Russia has kind of been like the ex-arch nemesis who the U.S. tried to be cordial with for the sake of, like, world peace. Obviously, America and her European besties didn’t fully trust Russia or agree with her on a lot of shit, but Russia still wasn’t a straight up enemy like she was during the Cold War.
Then there’s Ukraine, who Russia is totally obsessed with since she like invented Ukraine, you know? Russia is especially obsessed with this one region called Crimea, which is on the Black Sea and apparently has a lot of beach resorts, if you’re into that sort of thing. Recently, when Ukraine overthrew their president Russia made the ballsy move of sending troops into Crimea. Meanwhile, people worldwide Googled where the fuck Crimea was.
The thing is, Crimea is all like “Ukraine’s SUCH a nobody” and wants to hang with Russia because she obviously has more power. Also, sixty percent of the people living in Crimea are Russians. When there was a referendum this past weekend to see if Crimea should become part of Russia again, it passed by a whopping 97%. The U.S. and her besties are pissed. Vladimir Putin is jumping for joy.
The U.S. and the E.U. aren’t taking this lightly though, and have since placed sanctions on Russian officials. The Russians have responded by saying they DGAF and think sanctions are a fucking joke.
Will the U.S. and Russia become arch nemeses once again? Can the Europeans look like even bigger pussies than they already do? Will Vlad ever show normal facial expressions? Stay tuned for the next edition of “WTF is happening in Ukraine” to find out. Read article>>
Our president's little plug on “Between Two Ferns” might have actually worked. The Obama administration has seen a last minute surge of people signing up to get healthcare coverage. As of Monday 5 million people were signed up, which is a dramatic increase from the 4.2 million earlier this month. Obviously making up for the fucking disaster healthcare.gov started out as, the Obama administration has put forth a massive last minute push to get people signed up before the deadline on March 31st. Hopefully Zach has registered so he can get those spider bites taken care of. Read article>>
"Watch the spider bites!"
"That's the other hand"
"Oh no. It's everywhere"
Mayors Bill de Blasio of NYC and Martin Walsh of Boston did not walk in their cities’ St. Patrick’s Day parades out of support for LGBT community members who have been excluded from the events. Primary sponsors for the parades such as Sam Adams, Guinness, and Heineken also pulled their support citing the same reason. Whatever guys, it’s all part of good, old fashioned St. Patrick’s Day tradition. People showing up to the parades acting like complete shit shows, stumbling, puking, and getting arrested? No problem! Gays and lesbians? Oh god no. That could cause a scene! Read article>>