Bro Breakdown: The Political Bro

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

The world is basically turning into anarchy and it seems that everyone you know is suddenly a scholar with a Doctorate in Political Science, so it seems appropriate to talk about the Political Bro.

Every betch has met a political bro at some point, whether he was running for High School Class President with some lame, vague slogan that rhymed with his last name (“Make our school the best it can be, vote for Lee”….idfk I’m not a professional rapper/campaign manager); or starting a debate about the role the government should play in business in your Psych 101 class; or applying ED to Georgetown.

Who: The Political Bro is probably a #164 WASB. If he has any hope of actually having a career in politics he’s also good looking, kind of skeevy, and his parents are loaded. Note: although they both have strong opinions and like to make them known at times when no one GAF, the Political Bro is not to be confused with your crazy conspiracy theorist cousin from the backwoods of Georgia.

Where: You’ll find him at Young Democrats/Republicans/Libertarians/Whatever meetings, trolling Capitol Hill, blowing up your feed with articles on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, your school's TTH frat, and generally making everything a conversation about politics.

When: You’ll probably meet him in or right after college because that’s when people realize that they should maybe act like adults and start giving a fuck about what’s happening in our country. Not other countries though, who gives a fuck about them.

Why: Because he’s going to be the next President…or something.

Pros to the political bro: If you ever need to brush up on current events and don’t actually want to read the news, the PB is the way to go. Also like we mentioned if he’s any good at politics he’s got killer connections, a huge bank account, and a better wardrobe than Barney Stinson.

Cons: A quick question about WTF is happening in the Middle East will launch him into a 30-minute lecture that even you can tell is extremely biased, he’s the type to insist that he’s not arrogant it’s just that people always think he's arrogant (protip: it’s cause he is in fact arrogant), and he’s probably manipulated you and your friend group in order to get what he wanted on more than one occasion but you didn’t realize it until after the fact.

This guy is the Dean of SAB University. But he has nice suits, so like…tread carefully, and don’t tell him any of your secrets.

If you're friends with the PB: I don't have too much to say here; if you're friends with college-age PB this dude rages like no other. Just don't cross him cause we all know what ruthless political hopefuls do to people who cross them (I'm not allowed to say what because the NSA will come after me but it involved B613 and a "mysterious, unexplained disappearance").

If you’re dating the PB: Make sure you save all of his sexts and/or dick pics. I’m talking screen shots, betches. You never know when that information might be useful. Just don’t go full Monica Lewinsky, that’s gross.

PB’s in pop culture: Fitzgerald Grant II, Fitzgerald Grant IIII, Cyrus Beane, Francis Underwood, that guy from the Allstate commercials, that politician Carrie dated on Sex and The City, Mitt Romney. 




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