Now that we successfully remained blackout for the entirety of made it through 2017, it’s time to start looking toward the future. Usually we would never suggest this, but it may be time to start having some hope. Gross, we know, but honestly how could any year be worse than the one when Blake Shelton was voted “sexiest man alive?” The way we see it, the only way to go is up. Here are our five predictions of what could actually be good news *gasp* in 2018.
Don Jr. Gets Indicted
We really don’t feel like this one is asking too much, seeing as this is a man who literally tweeted his emails with Russia that basically said “lol let’s do crimes together.” Not only is this man inconceivably ugly, he’s also dumb AF. Doing crime and being stupid is not a good look, and also not a great strategy. Perhaps 2018 is the year Don Jr. officially gets caught for the crimes he straight up admitted to.
More States Legalize Weed Despite Jeff Sessions’ Best Efforts
Narc Master 3000 Jeff Sessions hates anyone who isn’t white weed and is hell bent on cracking down on marijuana legalization. And yet, yesterday California legalized recreational marijuana, and more and more states seem to be interested in following their lead. We see a trend happening, and TBH we wouldn’t be surprised if people are hopping on the legalization wagon just to piss of Jeff Sessions. His smile is legit terrifying and it must be stopped. Tysm for the motivation, sweetie.
Melania Runs Into The Sea To Live With The Dolphins
Are we being too dramatic? Literally never. Is this a metaphor for Melania divorcing Trump’s ass and getting TF out of there? Probably, yes. Maybe she’ll just move to like, Putin’s mansion Wisconsin or some shit, but we also feel like the ocean is a v good choice for her. I have no evidence to back this up, but I feel like Trump cannot swim. Like, he would for sure just sink. Or maybe float? Either way, he’s at the mercy of the waves.
The Matriarchy Rises
An opinion piece in CNN predicts that the future is female, and we are here.for.it. Since the 2016 election, more and more women have been inspired to burn the world to the ground and start anew run for office. Y’all made a mistake when you pissed us off by electing a pussy-grabbing Twitter troll as president. Hell hath no furry like a woman that is mad AF. 2018 is our year, betches.
Trump Literally Turns Into A Fish Fillet
As you may remember, we reported on Trump’s daily McDonald’s order and it’s nasty as hell. Like, I-took-too-many-bong-hits-and-now-think-bread-and-mayonaise-is-a-snack bad. His order includes a fillet-o-fish, which shouldn’t even legally be allowed to be on the McDonald’s menu. Anyone who orders fish at fucking McDonald’s is seriously disturbed. There’s no way a man can eat that shit every day and not just turn into a fish fillet. That’s just basic science. Idk, a girl can dream, just let me have this.
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