Would You Eat Shit Pills to be Skinny?

By Betchy Crocker

The question in the title is not hypothetical or rhetorical or what the fuck ever: there is currently a study examining the affect shit, yes, literally shit, has on your metabolism. Allow us to elaborate:

Some hardcore nerds are Massachusetts General Hospital are prepping a clinical trial to study whether or not freeze-dried shit can be used as a treatment for obesity. A group of 21 idiots volunteers will pop the pills which APPARENTLY are tasteless and odorless; half will get the placebo (which is totally filled with gelled cocoa powder LOL) and other half will get pills filled with actual frozen poo. The shit pills actually contain gut microbes from skinny, healthy donors, and the nerds scientists hope that the shit pills will totally prove that the special magic microbes will make the fatties skinny and healthy.

Who the fuck decided this was a good idea? Apparently your gut microbiota – fancy words for tummy cells – play a super big part in regulating your metabolism. So like, if you have betchy, awesome microbes, your metabolism is normal and you’re totally not fat. However, if your gut bacteria are more like Mr. Mucus from the Mucinex commercials, you’re probably a fat fuck and no amount of dieting is really helping. Sad.

We think the bigger question here is just how far would you go to be skinny? I guess all those grapefruit diets we tried in college were just a fluke and we should have been swallowing free-dried poo instead. Sick. We hope they start these studies in places like Arkansas and Texas. They’d yell at us via keyboard if they could, but their hands are too greasy from that bucket of deep-fried chicken they’ve been eating all day. Bye! 




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