January 21, 2015
You read that right, Betches love Portland, Oregon. Before you jump directly to the comments section and throw a fucking fit, hear us out. Yes, it rains a lot. And yes, it’s full of hipsters. But the shitty weather only serves to justify a betch’s napping habits, and in the era of the man bun, hipsters have ascended to a whole new level of hotness. The Portland diet is coffee, alcohol and brunch, the true betch trifecta. It’s basically the new San Francisco, just smaller, cleaner, and with the added benefit of not having to deal with Giants fans.
The city is divided into quadrants, which makes things so much easier when you’re trying to blackout cab to the next bar. Northwest is home to the Pearl District, easily the betchiest area of the city. It’s covered in boutiques and they even have Soul Cycle (they call it burn cycle but it’s the same thing). Southeast is your stereotypical Portlandia shit, perfect for the hungover betch who’s just trying to wear a flannel and go through her alternative phase. Southwest is downtown, for betches who want that urban vibe or are searching for a casual weeknight rave. Northeast is industrial and in the midst of being gentrified (made livable for bougie white people). It’s full of breweries, but we don’t drink beer so no one really cares. Portland is obviously a stoner betch’s paradise, and come July it’ll actually be legal. Move over, Boulder.
The real reason we love Portland is the coffee. No matter where you are, you're 30 seconds from a coffee shop that is better than Starbucks. In fact, Portland is probably the one city where drinking Starbucks makes you spectacularly not betchy, because it just means you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. Stumptown is a go-to, but walk down any street and you’ll be able to find a chic cafe that advertises free trade coffee. You will probably have to deal with pretentious baristas with excessive facial hair, but it’s worth it for a soy latte that doesn’t taste like burnt shit.
No matter what your dietary restrictions, you can find bomb food in Portland. Vegan? Chill, so is half the city. Gluten-free? Paleo? You only eat hemp and green tea? There will be some restaurant that caters to your weird preferences. Portland didn’t invent brunch, but it did fucking perfect it. Come weekend mornings, the city is flowing with mimosas and eggs benedict. It’s not uncommon to see lines half way down the block, because Portland betches take their brunch seriously. Broder has the hands down best Bloody Marys, and the whole place only has 12 tables AKA it’s extremely exclusive. There are food carts everywhere with every cultural dish you could imagine, and most of them are open late for drunk food on the way home from the bars.
Speaking of bars, they are probably the only thing more pervasive than coffee shops, because everyone in Portland is low-key drunk all the time. No matter what vibe you’re going for, there is a bar to meet your needs. In the summer, betches live at Departure. It’s a rooftop bar on top of The Nines Hotel, ideal for finding rich old men to buy you drinks. Plus, the 360 degree city view is the perfect backdrop for photo-ops. If you want to hang out with everyone who just graduated college, hit up 21st street. Downtown is where you go when you feel like blacking out in a dark room to EDM. Jones is perfect for the betch who just wants to dance and make out with a bro that she doesn’t actually have to look at.
If you’re an active person, or like to Instagram pictures of you pretending to be, there’s no better place than Portland. Within an hour of the city you can find about a hundred waterfalls and hiking trails, and everywhere you go looks like a fucking postcard. Workout chic is not only socially acceptably for everyday wear, it’s encouraged. Nike headquarters is in Beaverton, which means betches aren’t caught dead in Adidas, or God forbid, Under Armour. If your shoes don’t coordinate with your top or your leggings are anything but Lulu, you might as well stay home.