February 20, 2015
If you want to experience Eastern Europe but don’t actually want to experience Eastern Europe, then Prague is the city for you. Prague is great because it’s different enough from Paris, Barcelona, or Florence to make you seem like an adventures chill betch on Instagram, but close enough to Munich that you know the entire purpose of your visit will be related to alcohol.
First of all, Prague is one of the only European hot spots that was not totally fucked over by Hitler and his little dick syndrome during WWII, so it kind of actually looks like you’re walking around in the 18th century. The only thing about the city that’s pretty stupid is the Astronomical Clock on Old Time Square, which does nothing but attract swarms of Asian tourists who stand in front of it all day in anticipation that something cool may actually happen. [Spoiler Alert: it doesn’t].
You can walk the entire city in a day easily, (and by entire city I mean the touristy parts of it that don’t look like Russia in the 1980s), which is good news for a betch who accidently ate fried cheese the night before and needs to burn some cals or is trying to avoid the sketchy AF taxi drivers. Make sure you take a photo in front of Lennon Wall and if the suns out, take a rowboat onto the river with a six-pack of Pilsner’s.
Obviously though, the real reason betches come to Prague is to immerse themselves in the most important part of any culture: its alcohol. If you’re there for just the weekend, have a tacky tourist moment and go on the river booze cruise that drops you off at the 5 Story Club. Expect a dude that’s still traveling from his birthright two summers ago to buy you absinthe shots all night and then invite you for a photo-opp at the ice bar. Usually wise to ditch him right after that and always awkward to run into him 2 weekends later in Ibiza and have to engage in a stop-and-chat on ecstasy.
If you’re making a more long-term commitment to Prague, you’ll get to experience a multitude of platforms to get fucked up in. You’ll probably want to start with a fishbowl at Hurley’s or pre drinks at Propaganda or Golden Sun. Wednesday night is all about Retro, Thursdays happen at Radost (where at least 10 people will use: “Did you know that this is where Rihanna filmed her Please Don’t Stop the Music music video at?! as a pick-up line) and Friday’s are all about embarrassing yourself on stage with other Americans at Lucerna for 80s night. Your night will probably end at the Hot Peppers strip club, which for some fucking reason is always the girls’ idea.
So betches, if you want to have an authentic abroad experience without going somewhere that’s that sketchy, head to Prague. Just watch out for the exchange rate, because one minute you’ll think its fine that your spending 240 crowns on a Starbucks, and the next you find out that you just got conned into a 10 dollar iced coffee. Not that you wouldn’t have bought it anyways.