The Betches' Guide To Premeditated Hookups

By Is Vodka A Carb?

It’s always a bit naïve when your friends at brunch act super shocked that you hooked up with ______ last night. It’s not like that blowjob just coincidently happened. You’ve known you were going to blow him for awhile, and you thought out the pros and cons of your method way before you ever made eye contact with him at the party.

Pre-planning hookups is something all betches do but no betch talks about, kind of like using Summer’s Eve. The process of premeditation can begin anywhere from weeks to hours to minutes in advance, but no matter what the time frame, its not like a betch’s “random” hookup just happened.

For a hookup that’s been premeditated for over a week, this isn’t just any old bro. This is most likely an ex, a “guy friend” or someone you’d like to have an ongoing relationship with. You’ve methodically thought out the consequences of hooking up with him, along with the attached benefits, such as having a new opponent on Trivia Crack. Likely, to prepare for your hookup, you’ve upped your Snapchat game with him, exchanged “what’s your plan tonight?” texts and put on a little extra eyeliner. It’s highest stakes, and it’ll most likely go just as planned unless you are, of course, delusional.

The next type of preplanned hookup is the day of hookup. This one starts with the mindset that you want to have a really fun night out. You’re looking for something a little more climactic than the usual routine of exchanging outfit compliments à pregaming à ubering à going to the bar à going to the club à engaging in drunk bathroom line convo à ubering home…you think? à vomiting and/or eating pizza à making a regrettable phone call à going to bed. So, you look as hot as possible and go into the bar thinking you’re going to hook up with either Scott, Ryan or possibly Kyle if he’s there, or maybe even a new bro you just met if you guys have, like, mutual friends.

Then there are the hookups that were only decided minutes before they happened. They usually happen on good nights when the vodka is hitting you just right and your uncontrollable dirty looks are staying suppressed. Likely, you were not the instigator of the conversation with the subject, but you were the one that decided, “Yeah, I’m going to allow you to make out with me in under 30 seconds.” The last minute hook-up doesn’t necessarily need to be with a random, and the (sort of) spontaneity of it often leads to the best stories.

It’s worthwhile to mention that not all hookups are premeditated. Sometimes, you’re hammered, you’re talking to a dude about yourself, and then mid “and I really like that I…” you find a foreign tongue in your mouth. Obviously, you’re not going to reciprocate, because if you were, that’s something you would have already decided upon.

So betches, next time you wake up in a bro’s bed and are totally unsurprised by your previous nights actions, don’t forget to pretend that you “can’t believe you did that” or you're def gonna look like a control freak when you Snapchat your cab-of-shame ride to your bestie.




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