It was the night we’d all been waiting for: the third presidential debate. This was the last time that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton would appear in the same room, and honestly we weren’t sure if there would be physical violence. The debate was held in Las Vegas, which seems appropriate because apparently this year we were all in the mood to take a gamble on the future of our fucking country.
Moderator Chris Wallace, one of the more tame old white guys on the Fox News team, took a strong tone throughout the evening, basically yelling at both of the adult children to stop fucking going over their allotted time. Four for you Chris Wallace, you go Chris Wallace.
Hillary showed up looking like a strict futuristic nurse in her all-white pantsuit, while Trump wore the same suit and red tie that he’s worn the entire campaign. We don’t always love what Hillary is wearing, but it seems like Trump could at least wear a different tie every once in a while.
The format of this debate let the candidates have extended “open discussions” on various topics, and you can probably imagine about how well that went. At least this time they didn’t have to pretend to give a shit about audience questions, but that doesn’t mean they stayed on topic any better. At this point Trump and Hillary are like two rats in a shoe box, and it’s not fucking pretty.
We had to have the abortion discussion again for some reason, where Donald Trump said that Hillary wants to let doctors “rip babies out of the womb in the ninth month.” We’re pretty sure this isn’t medical terminology, but Trump clearly has lots of experience with female anatomy so we’ll let him decide.
A truly cringeworthy moment came when Donald was talking about his Mexican border wall and said that he would start by kicking all of those pesky drug lords out of the US, and he called them “bad hombres.” Cue Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz cursing to the gods in Spanish for their missed opportunities.
*Pause for 10 minutes of yelling about Putin*
*Pause for 10 minutes of talking about trade deals we don’t understand*
Trump then used the term “anemic” to describe job growth, which is an actual medical term but it definitely has to do with iron deficiency and not China. He also lied again about how Hillary created ISIS, which is a consistent favorite of his.
The most infuriating part of the debate was the segment about women, when Donald Trump had the fucking audacity to say that no one has more respect for women than him. We’re not trying to like be world leaders or anything, but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I could EASILY think of 10,000 men who have more respect for women than Trump. In my sleep. While comatose.
Please just wake us up in three weeks, because there’s not enough white wine in the world to make this fun anymore.