June 26, 2014
In the early 2000’s no betch would be caught dead without an obscene amount of jewelry. Like if you could successfully move your wrist around or twist your neck, you were fucking up. Let’s take a nostalgic look back at the ridiculous jewelry of our pre-teen.
Tattoo Necklaces: Remember those necklaces that were just a series of loops made out of plastic? Why did we ever think those were cool? Maybe because after wearing them for a summer we all got ridiculous squiggly tan lines around our necks? Who knows.
Fuck Bracelets: I guess that dude in The Graduate who said the future was in plastics was right because almost all our adolescent “jewelry” was made out of plastic. Every color “meant” something, but what it meant depended on who you ask. Black is for fuck, everybody knows that. No, blue is fuck. No, blue is blowjob, get it, they sound similar? Betches all had a fucking rainbow of plastic shitty bracelets going from wrist to elbow, but no one actually did anything the bracelets “stood” for, unless you were a chicken slutlet.
Tiffany Necklaces: You know what I’m talking about; the huge chain links with the heart charm, or the oval with “property of Tiffany & Co” engraved in it. These were the uniform of the betch-in-training and not having one, or God forbid owning a knock-off, was just social suicide.
Those bracelets you made from the blue things from Coke bottles: Idk who the genius was that decided to pop out that piece of plastic inside Coke bottle caps, carve out a hole, and stretch it out to make a bracelet, but they prob own their own business now or ended up on Shark Tank or something. Not only was everyone making these for whatever reason, but they also gave us a good reason to convince our parents to let our 13-year-old selves drink Diet Coke. But mom who cares if it stunts my growth, I can make a shitty bracelet out of it, see??
Charm Bracelets: Before Pandora, there was the OG charm bracelet. The perfect way to let everyone know how original you were by showcasing your unique interests, such as a shopping bag charm (because you loved to shop), a lip gloss charm (because you loved lip gloss--Lancome juicy tubes, obv), and a puppy charm (because you owned a dog).
Useless Jewelry: Featuring toe rings, ankelets, and other shit that sounded cool in theory but once you actually had to deal with a piece fake metal between your toes 24/7, got real old real fast.