August 12, 2015
It’s finally here. The night that my liver and all you PLL fans around the world have been waiting for- the summer finale. PLL has been saying that this summer is the “Summer of Answers” but they are full of dogshit because I just watched this whole fucking episode and all I have is questions.
Since this episode is more confusing than the whole entire recent season of True Detective, I’m not going to split this shit up into individual sections. Ain’t nobody got time for that, especially me. I’m like, really important. Anyway….
The episode starts with a flash-forward to our Liars and Ali standing on a roof, screaming at Charles/A not to jump off and kill himself. They are all like “please don’t do this” and “Charles, you can live!” Hanna supplies the most retarded line of the night (typical) and says “you’ve been a bitch to us, but we understand!” No Hanna, being a bitch to someone is cutting them off on the fucking interstate or calling them a loser. A has been trying to fucking murder you for 5 years. There is a goddam difference. The Rosewood PD are below, doing this mythical thing called “their job”, and wondering how to apprehend A, when all The Liars gasp, assumingly saying A has jumped.
Flashback to prom now. The Liars are still in their fugly outfits from last episode, trying to call Ali’s Dad at their home number. The screen pans to the DiLaurentis home, where the phone is going unanswered and you can hear the Liars’ moms trapped in the basement. It’s a very R. Kelly-Trapped in the Closet thing we have going on here.
The Liars are discussing their plan of attack, when they see Redcoat. They’re like shit, this is gonna be intense, and we’re all on edge at home, just waiting for redcoat to fuck shit up, right? Wrong. Turns out it’s just Mona, looking like a Mexican Red-Riding Hood.
Sarah’s lesbian senses were tingling and she shows up, saying how the Police Chief Tanner is looking for them. They ignore Sarah, because she is so irrelevant, and they start talking to Mona. Mona is like “I put a tracker in Ali’s phone to watch her whereabouts” and everyone is like “oh, that’s cool.” Um, what? Does no one find that remotely alarming? And does Rosewood High teach a fucking course in hacking? How are Mona and Caleb and every other person in this fucking town so good at hacking into things? I can barely figure out how to sync shit to my iCloud.
Ali wakes up from her slumber in a jail cell with pictures of her family everywhere. She looks down and sees her dad and Jason, presumably dead on the floor and she starts screaming, and is like “Daddy no! Please no!” Meanwhile I’m secretly happy that Big Bird looking motherfucker is dead. Ali’s Dad was such a d-bag, amiright?
Mona, being the computer wiz she is, figures out where A’s cell tower is coming from and- shocker- it’s coming from that sketchy place where Christian works, the Carissimi group. So they’re like, fuck it, lets go to the Carissimi group. When they get there, there are cops unloading shit. The Liars question it for like .25 seconds and then are like, well, let’s go inside.
Sarah, who is still with the Liars for some random ass reason, says she’s “calling the cops” and then magically gives them the password to the A Lair. The Liars walk into it, and Sarah is like “ohhhhh, better not” and suddenly the door closes, locking them in. Emily starts screaming for Sarah and it’s like, seriously Emily? If you’re that fucking desperate that you are willing to date a con artist, just download Tinder Premium for an affordable $19.99 a month and get it over with.
I can’t tell if the Liars are in A’s lair or on the set of Star Trek because the technology that A has is like some Zenon of the 21st century shit. They make the newest “Fantastic Four” movie look like it was made in Claymation. The Liars manage to hack into a live-feed of Ali being trapped in the room with A, making it the weirdest Chat Roulette session ever.
Suddenly A is revealed to the Liars, Ali and the whole goddamn world, including my drunk ass at home. A is Charles, because fucking duh. But Charles is Cece. Therefore, A is Cece Drake. Dun, dun dun. How progressive of ABC Family, to make the transgender the bad guy. Somewhere in the distance Caitlin Jenner is like “YAAAAAASSS QUEEN, SLAY THESE BITCHES.”
Ali asks Cece why she would kill her own family and it’s like, idk because they fucking suck? Is this a trick question? But Cece is like, take a fucking chill pill, they aren’t dead yet. Ali is like “I did everything for you”, to which Cece is like “you only got me a passport and a plane ticket.” Because fake, authentic passports are like soooooo easy to come across. Then Cece looks into the camera and sings the Liars, who are listening in her lair, some fucked up song about “taking her from her sister screws over the wrong mister.” I’m so confused. I’m just going to keep drinking until I am numb, bye.
Mrs. D pays off Wilden to hide that Ali is dead and she’s like semi mad at Cece for murdering her fucking child, which is really shocking to Cece. “I didn’t realize mom would be so mad at me”- well you fucking bludgeoned a teenager in front of her face, you can’t just buy her an edible arrangement and make that shit go away. The Liars figure out that Christian is just a sexy unknowing surrogate in this whole thing. So, I guess there goes his whole plotline.
Then Cece describes her new friend in Radley. It’s Mona. Mona thinks Cece is Ali, which is basically Cece’s wet dream, and she uses Mona to learn things about all the girls. Why is Mona even trying to hang out with “Ali” in Radley? Didn’t she like, just murder her? Anyway, Mona eventually helps Cece escape from Radley- even though she was pretty much doing that anyways when she went to the beach for a whole fucking summer with the DiLaurentis family.
Cece: I didn’t really trust Mona though. Remember that time she tried to run Hanna, her best friend, over with a car?
Mona: *whispers to herself* goddammit will everyone just let that go
Cece is upset with the Liars because they were “happy Ali died”, which was a little tidbit Mona told her. Mona is like, damn this is not looking good for me rn. Cece says that she noticed that Ali was following all the girls (tbt to when Ali was redcoat) and in order to draw her out, she decided to crash the plane, knowing Ali would save her friends. Because sending her a text just wouldn’t have been the same.
Ali is like, hold up. So why have you been trying to fucking kill us for the past 5 seasons? And Cece is like, "woah woah woah, lets not get hasty. I ALMOST killed you guys- I didn’t actually kill you.” OKAY CECE. Does she think the Liars are going to be like “well, she’s right she did ALMOST kill us. No harm, no foul.” No you fucking moron! They’re like “you have literally ruined our whole entire lives, nbd.” She’s like, I would never do anything that bad to you guys! Well we must have a different definition of bad because being kidnapped, drugged, tortured, stalked and ALMOST murdered sounds pretty fucking shitty to me.
Ali is like “but I sent you away” and Cece was like yeah, about that. Then they flash to a scene where Cece is dressed “undercover” to go to France. She wears a black wig and says “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi” and magically gets on a fucking plane. But she decides to come back and continue fucking with the girls, because “it’s a game and I’m good at it. I liked being good at something.” What does that say about you when your best skills are stalking and torturing people? GET A REAL HOBBY CECE. Stop trying to be a fucking Dinosaur and get a real job, Bobby!
Also, redcoat is revealed. In a not shocking turn of events, redcoat is Sarah Harvey. Cece is like, sorry Emily bout your lady friend and Emily starts crying for Sarah. We all knew it was Sarah. Lesbian until release date season finale. Sarah also killed Wilden, which might be the most likeable thing she has ever done.
Emily starts having a lesbian meltdown and the Liars decide to gtfo out of there. They need to break glass to get out of the A lair, and Mona is like “hold on, let me break it with this giant fucking metal spike I have attached to my shoe.” Okay, is Mona secretly a Spy Kid? Did Uncle Raymondo just hook her up with a bunch of spy gear before prom or something?
Mona decides to stay and watch the rest of the A showdown and not go with the Liars. Because that’s not sketchy at all.
Cece says that she came home one night to find Mrs. D dead, and the mystery remains who did that- because Cece doesn’t kill people, she ALMOST kills people.
Meanwhile, the Liars magically appear in Radley, where all the fun shit happens. Meet me in the insane asylum, it’s goin down. While they are there, they see Sarah, trying to blow the place up. Casual.
An alarm goes off, signaling that this place is about to blow-up, and Cece decides to press the detonator, just to test it. You know, put the tip in, see how it feels? But the bomb doesn’t go off and Cece is like, aw, bummer.
Spencer, downstairs is diffusing the bomb while the Liars detain Sarah. Since when does Spencer know how to diffuse a fucking hydrogen bomb? What’s her class schedule at Rosewood?
First Period: Hacking Class
Second Period: Bomb Diffusing 101
Third Period: English with Mr. Fitz
Sarah tells Emily that she “tried to save her” and Emily punches her straight in the fucking face. THANK FUCKING JESUS, I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT ALL SEASON. THAT IS THE ONLY ANSWER I NEEDED FROM THIS WHOLE GODDAMN SUMMER. Ali manages to escape from Cece and tell the Liars that she’s on the roof. How is this roof so accessible? Isn’t this a mental hospital? Aren’t accessible roofs, like, not a good idea? Whatever, it’s fucking Rosewood.
Emily, punches Sarah and leans in: It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at JC Penney's. On sale!
Cece is about to jump and the Liars are begging her not to (back to the first scene of the episode) and she says “game over” and jumps back onto the roof. So wait, that’s it?
It flash-forwards again to the Liars all saying goodbye and leaving for college (even though we never saw their high school graduation, lol). Spencer says some basic ass Winnie the Poo quote and I’m that’s the part where I start drinking wine straight from the fucking bottle. They talk about Sarah who is supposedly still in the hospital- even though it’s like 3 months later- and how she is getting out soon and it’s like, hmmm yeah I don’t fucking care.
Then it flash-forwards AGAIN and we see the Liars in their 5 years forward lives- where they are all only officially 8 years older than the people they are portraying. Ali is a teacher at Rosewood High, undoubtedly only 3 episodes away from fucking her first student. (notice: Ali is writing her name on the board and it says “Mrs. Something-not-DiLaurentis-I’m really drunk sorry). Anyways, the Liars come in and are like “Ali! He’s coming for you!!!!!!” And boom, the episode ends.
We learn Sarah killed Wilden. If this was 3 seasons ago, I might actually give a shit.
We learn Mona killed Bethany, but like, she was a fucking bitch so whatever.
We learn Cece is Charlotte who is Charles who is A. Yes. I’m fully serious.
We learn Sarah Harvey, the worst actress on the face of the goddam planet, is Redcoat.
We learn Bethany killed Toby’s mom, making Toby’s face (which will never stop looking like a smushed grape) wet with tears on the reg.
What the fuck happened to the moms? Are they still in the basement? I imagine them screaming much like Moody’s mom from “Moody’s Point” from the hot air balloon. “Mooooooody! I’m down here, in the basement!”
Does Cece go to jail, or nah? I mean she did ALMOST kill people. Knowing Rosewood PD they’ll be like, well ALMOST killing people works for me, you’re free to go.
Who the fuck killed Mrs. DiLaurentis?
How did Cece meet Sarah? Wait I don’t really care about that, nevermind.
Why was Christian meeting up with an undercover cop a few episodes ago? Are they seriously letting that whole plotline fall through?
Oh I forgot the most important question- WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS FUCKERY I JUST WATCHED?
Seriously, if you thought this was a quality episode, please email me immediately and I will purchase you a fucking HBOgo subscription so you can watch some real television. This whole episode/season just felt like short little breaks with minor plotlines only being used to fill space between “The Fosters” commercials.
Overall, was I disappointed? Yes. Did I fully anticipate that? Yes. Watching these 30 year olds do high school shit while pretending to be Nancy Drew has added a few years to my life. Also, it’s made me a legitimate alcoholic. So there’s that.
See you fuckers in the winter time, when we return to watch this band of idiots do some more stupid shit, all while wearing the fugliest outfits money can buy. Later, losers.