Pretty Little Liars Recap: Four Sluts and a Funeral

By The Betches

Every time we watch a season premiere of Pretty Little Liars we are reminded why this show is so epic. Sure, it makes less sense to me than the A.C.L.U. but it still manages to be better than Revenge. Here are a few reasons why we can't get enough of PLL, a show that targets tweens:

- A high school girl has a lair, and that's totally okay

- A resident of Rosewood dies in freak accidents bi weekly and the only people the police question are 4 overtly dressed teens

- A girl in a red jacket is terrorizing 4-7 people at a time yet no one can find this girl even though she's wearing a RED COAT.

However there were a few things that bothered us last night namely Hanna's outfits. Did she wake up and go, "I think I'll wear a Shamwow for a headband today." It was far from okay. Another thing that pissed us off was that we waited all this time between seasons only to find out there was a disgusting wrinkly pig in the trunk of that car! Like how does that frame the girls? Where would they have gotten that pig? The local Rosewood farm? Actually, Rosewood probably has a farm and Toby probably milks the cows.


Does it really say #PoorEzra on my screen during Aria's fantasy because that's hilarious. #stopfuckingyourstudents #butreally

It's actually been three years since they've been milking this whole "Aria is sleeping with her teacher and they have to keep it under wraps but sometimes they feel bad about it so they break up" plot line. It's time to get some new shit, guys!


It's like midway through the day after the fire and Hefty Hanna still hasn't washed her fucking forehead. It's called soap and even though you can't eat it you should consider using some.

Hanna's like 'great I get the overweight doll'.

Why is Hanna dressed like Betty Draper? You're going to Macy's you didn't just emerge from Rose Dawson's clothes-dryer.

Ali's mom actually says this to Hanna, so she might be betch of the year: Ali would be so proud of you. You've really kept the weight off.


Bruce has totally gotten a makeover this season. Maybe she's upset we keep referring her to as Bruce but if she keeps up this whole 'not eating' and 'doing her hair' thing we're going to have to start calling her Paige again. She does however still seem dumb as fuck as the following is her actual reasoning for getting Emily to come to Stanford with her:

"Come away with me to Stanford. You can decorate the place anyway you want! If I can get in, you can get in! We can have donuts and make out in the California sun!"

Newsflash Bruce, you need to get into Stanford. Hunting down killers while sending foreboding texts to your besties doesn't exactly boost a college resume.


Spencer's dress while interrogating Mona could easily belong to the dowager countess.


A few notes on Mona's confession after the fire:

"Lucas gave Emily that massage. He said you were tense."  - This insanely creepy line was actually said.

This actually plays out like the crowd surfing scene from Mean Girls. "Emily, I'm sorry I called your girlfriend a butch lesbian, it's not her fault she's so butch."

No wonder Mona's files are spontaneously deleting. That's what you get for not having a mac.

Seriously, Mona's incessant talking about 'us' when talking to Hanna is getting weird. How many lesbian plot lines must this show have, ABC!

Mona: "I haven't thought about you and me as an us for a long time. When you use words like us and we you make me hopeful that we could be friends again." I haven't seen a half Asian creepily following a scheming white girl like this since the days of Phoebe and Helga from Hey Arnold.

Some general Commentary

The girls are looking for a computer chip? What is this, Y2K?

Why did Aria and Hanna come to the funeral dressed as Whore 1 and Whore 2? Why are the high school principal and Ezra there? This is the death of some rando cop everyone hated but I think his funeral attendance rivals Kurt Cobain's.

Who's the freak with the black scarf over her head? Amanda Bynes?

Where do they get all those Ali masks ? Party city?




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