February 4, 2015
I can’t tell if this episode of PLL was better or worse than its predecessors. On the one hand, virtually nothing of consequence actually happened, unless you count Mike leaving candy and/or drugs on a dock and then vaguely threatening his sister about it. On the other hand, they did finally open up some new plot threads for a change, thank fucking God. If I had to watch one more episode that could be subtitled “what’s in the barrel?” I’d deepthroat an exhaust pipe.
PLL Producer: “Sound guy, for the opening scene we need a song that’s both what the hip kids are listening to and also hamfistedly reminds everyone that the chef lady give Emily itchy britches. Whatta ya got?”
Sound Guy: “Ooh, how about that Ingrid Michaelson song from last summer? I can hear it being played in a Hollister store, so you know it’s hip. It also has “girls chase” right in the lyrics! Plus the license is dirt cheap.”
PLL Producer: “Perfect. Pass me that plate of cocaine, would you?”
Enter Mona’s Lisa Loeb wannabe “friend,” which is funny because I thought everyone fucking hated Mona. And she wants to hang out with all of Mona’s old friends? Who does that? Who, upon hearing about the death of a close friend says “I think I should probably spend some time with people who will remind me of her but are not her?” Also, I’m pretty sure the police can tell you on the phone if someone’s dead. They aren’t required to divulge when they’re narcs, so I doubt they have any rules governing sensitivity around death.
Spencer is, sneakily but consistently, by far the most annoying fucking girl on this show. Aria’s drama is insufferable, Emily’s impotence and Hannah’s stupidity can be frustrating, but no one can top Spencer. First she rebels by getting addicted to adderall, gets locked into a mental institution, and now the “smartest” person on the show is allowing a scruffy trash collector talk her into not going to colleges she didn’t want to go to in the first place. ALTHOUGH, “Spencer: Rosewood Townie” would make a great spinoff.
(As an aside, she obvi gets it from her mother. “Spencer, your future is at stake!” Like, stfu, you’re rich. Homegirl will be alright.)
Caleb has apparently just now discovered that he can disable remote access on everyone’s phones and computers. WHY DID YOU NOT DO THIS FROM DAY ONE? What else is computer wiz Caleb just now discovering? Windows XP? The internet? Zip drives?
Holbrook’s back! I guess instead of clandestinely being A he was out… getting roid rage? You’re suspended, not fired. And wtf is that haircut? Not a good look, bro.
Hannah’s haha moment of the show: “It was the straw that broke the chameleon’s back.” Ha! Where’s a laughtrack when you need one?
“Mona was schizophrenic. I really liked that about her.” These flashbacks are creepy. So Mona wanted to pull a Zack Morris, only instead of spitting out some Real Talk she wanted to, like, steal stuff? And that somehow gives her “control” over people? Oh, and don’t worry about the age thing, she can fix that. This is why you were a lousy A, Mona.
No one would walk around town with a gigantic book under their arm, but this show stopped being subtle about forcibly moving the plot along a while ago.
“You can’t take everything apart and pretend she’s not here, like she’s dead or something!” Mike, chill the fuck out. You two dated for what, a month or something? Also, stop going to Holbrook’s barber. You know how well things are working out for him...
This microphone thing is just so fucking stupid, aside from being (I’m sure) a convenient plot device. But how? Will one of the girls be sitting at the table while, I dunno, pastor Ted goes in the bubble thing to confess to being A because he’s not Catholic and doesn’t know how confessionals work?
Chances of Spencer hooking up with Barn Trash Guy: 90%
Even though you’d think Aria would have learned a thing or two about being sneaky by now, she simply MUST investigate and find out what’s up with this bag of candy (it’s shitty gumdrops, that’s what’s up). Mike, who apparently put it there just so he could see if anyone was following him, confronts her.
“Be careful going home through the woods tonight.” Why, are you and Holbrook’s barber hiding in there?
Holbrook, who was suspended by the police department but allowed to retain his vehicle, pulls Hannah over. He was “cut off” (sexually?) by Ali! She ruined his career! There are no available women in Rosewood between the ages of 17 and 40! Anyway, Holbrook appears to not be as involved with Ali as we thought, or at the very least not A. Hannah then smacks him with a telescoping police baton and reminds him he’s an adult - both exceptionally badass only reasonable moment so far in the show.
They found one of Mona’s hidden tapes! It could be one of the most pivotal moments in the show! No, it’s just someone (Bethany, is she back in this now?) calling someone a bitch.
I like high school student Emily using this dumb as fuck machine to explain the meaning of being lonely to the chef lady. Um, hello, I think the Backstreet Boys covered that like 15 years ago.
Aria: “Mike won’t visit Ali again because I told him not to!”
Everyone: You told him not to date Mona either, and how’d that turn out?
[Mike visits Ali again]
When Mona’s rando friend meets Mike, she specifically says “Mona talks about you all the time.” Now, if they wanted to draw attention to it they would have had her be like “oh, my mistake,” but still. Mona, like Tupac, lives!
The voice on the Bethany tape sounds an awful lot like Ali if she maybe smoked a whole pack of Marlboro reds. The blood on the barrel was found to match Ali’s, as were the dental records on the corpse in Bethany’s grave. Earlier they chalked that part up to A shenanigans, but: I understand the books to involve a plotline where Alison had a twin at Radley (or vice versa, idk). I bet that comes up.
Maybe Ali’s been dead this whole time and who we know as Ali is really Bethany. Maybe Mona’s not dead. Maybe in the fight we saw, it was Mona and Ali (or Bethany), and it was actually Mona killing whoever it was. Maybe she knew about the Bethany/Ali twin thing, and was after them both. Maybe now she’s killed one of them, and is back to being A to stop the girls from digging up the truth. After all, it has been demonstrated that she knows how to do all this A shit, and it’s not like anyone would suspect her.
That, or pastor Ted is still A.