February 18, 2015
So this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was actually one of the better ones this season. We got to see some legitimately good acting by little bro Mike, Hannah angrily dance her ass off in the funniest way imaginable, and Spencer’s creepy barn man bring her over the dark world of lame graffiti burglary.
Apparently Mona made a plan with A to fake her own death and pin it on Allison, but wanted to really just expose A. A found out about it and actually killed Mona? I like to think their writers have a whole scheme in mind, but I have a feeling they're making it all up as they go along. Whatever, we’re getting cheese fries.
Emily goes to see Talia who assures her the only people who know about them are her and her husband then they make out before the store opens. Mike rudely texts while at the cashier even though he has like no friends besides his vial of Mona’s blood he named Wilson. He tells Emily he had a long night and then when she’s like “oh why what did you do?” like a normal person he’s all like “get off my back I already have a sister even though I’m the one that started this conversation.” Emily immediately texts her friends, “Mike just came into brew. He is getting scarier." Why, because he drank decaf? Seriously though Mike is acting as if he’s on roids but all he’s been drinking are fake protein shakes.
Chef Talia’s husband Anthony Weiner arrives and knows all about Emily considering they’re Eskimo siblings. He tells her not to worry because he’s totally chill with his wife experimenting with a seventeen-year-old high school senior. He’s not a regular husband he’s a cool husband. Emily is like the town bicycle. Everyone gets a ride.
Emily goes to Hanna’s house teach her some dance moves and decides it’s best to ask the town ho Ashley Marin for relationship advice for some reason.
So Emily is a choreographer now? Even if she had been dancing up until 7th grade she wouldn’t remember all the moves and the dances wouldn’t be so erotic.
The girls find a necklace from something Spencer saw ‘advertised online’ with a secret message. How did Spencer translate the Morse Code so fast, like she had to type that into her phone in less than a second. Also that necklace is fucking ugly.
Spencer has lunch with her weird hipster boarder bestie when Toady arrives wearing his finest fitted tee. The annoying hipster says a weird pretentious Italian phrase and I almost throw up in my mouth a little. Also what are those riding pants Spencer? No wonder Toady doesn’t want to chill.
Apparently someone sold the neighbor’s fugly illegal art to an art dealer and Spencer is infuriated. Spencer is so upset about the vandalism but is totally chill with knowingly breaking and entering? I guess at this point it’s like her day job anyway. They drive their Scooby-Doo-mobile to the gallery where they load it up with all the paintings like Bonnie and Clyde if they had special needs. The alarm obviously sounds and who goes after them but Officer Toady himself.
Officer Toby arrests Spencer’s new BF but he didn’t read the kid his rights so technically he like really sucks at his job.
Spencer’s mom posts bail for her boarder but not before evicting him. He guilt trips Spencer about this, makes out with her and then bounces. Maybe you shouldn’t be breaking into art galleries you poor artsy loser. Get a real job!
Hanna announces she’s enrolling in Miss Teen Countywide after which Caleb laughs at her and tells her she looked fugly in that Hazmat suit and she’s just not pretty enough. They’re talking about entering a beauty pageant as if she’s becoming a stripper.
Hanna has a meeting with her new pageant coach.
Coach: What do you do well?
Hanna (on her pageant coach): Have you met her? She makes you feel like the girl in fat camp who eats her toothpaste…What!? It was minty.
Hanna’s evil stepsister has enrolled in the town beauty pageant for the pure reason that ABC wanted to hashtag #glasslipper for their non-Cinderella themed episode. I don’t remember Cinderella having an overeating problem and like four dead high school friends.
Why doesn’t Hanna just get a job instead of entering this beauty pageant or like, apply for financial aid?
Hanna fashions herself the White hefty Swan and furiously practices her dance moves next to Emily. I wonder if Ashley Benson’s boyfriend/Justin Bieber’s bitch helped choreograph this ridiculous dance.
You know Hanna’s dancing hard because of her constipated looking face. I am freaking out laughing so hard at this dance holy shit. I legit watched that twice.
Hanna’s Coach: “You’re not pageant material.” ☹ I mean female-Michael-Cain has a point this isn’t really a pageant appropriate dance.
Hanna’s mom offers some great words of wisdom when she’s upset about the pageant and the fact that Emily is a far superior beauty queen than her: “I’m going to go take a shower.”
You know Aria is being tutored because she has pencil behind her ear, the #1 sign for tutoring among all normal teenagers.
Aria casually asks her new tutor to follow her brother to the gym because #normal. So excited that Aria found herself a new little bitch.
Aria stops by Lucky Leon’s Cupcakes which is totes the Magnolia of Rosewood. Why does Aria’s tutor have the most free time of anyone alive? Like I thought he was in 15 clubs how does he have time to give Aria a very detailed report about her brother’s whereabouts?
Is Aria seriously in the woods alone? I would be scared to go in my backyard at night alone and I don’t have half of my hometown attempt to kill me on a bi-monthly basis.
Aria discovers Mike is obsessed with Mona’s blood and hides it in a fucking tree, obvi. Aria climbs the tree to find it but wait, Mike is there too checking up on his vial of blood to make sure it doesn’t get lonely in the woods by itself.
Mike reveals that he surprise visited Mona before Thanksgiving. We flashback to Mona casually gossiping on the phone, checking out her stash of blood. Just a typical Thursday. She tells Mike about her plot to fake her own death or some shit like that. “That blood was all I had left of her,” cries Mike. Ew, take a pair of her underwear or something, even that would be less creepy.
A does some lifts, turns around and takes out his/her wrench for no apparent reason. This shit is so stupid.
Who did Mona hire to pretend to kill her in those surveillance videos?
How on Earth did A know that 1) Hanna or someone would see her step sister's name on the list, and that it would 2) Cause her to dance herself into an aneurism, thereby getting barred from the pageant and paving the way for a far more qualified contestant?